Benjamin Juang (ibneko) wrote,
Benjamin Juang
ibneko

I'm so... busy... procrastinating.. doh.


Lord of the Ads! Parts 1-3 By : Cranberry, An author at Stories.com
> Pg-13
>
>
> LORD OF THE ADS
> IF COMMERCIALS WERE A PART OF LOTR
>
> Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. There are
> times, however, when I feverently wish that I
> owned Legolas. ^-^ You get my point.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> ~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Hobbit
> Scene: (Gollum sees Bilbo at the edge of his
> slimy little lake. Hungry, he begins to row
> towards shore, but pauses and turns to the
> camera.)
> Gollum: Hobbit, the other white meat.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (Gandalf and Frodo are riding on the
> cart thru Hobbiton. All the Hobbits turn to
> watch them go by.)
> Hobbit #1: Gandalf, did you cut your beard?
> Gandalf: Nope.
> (The cart continues on.)
> Hobbit #2: Are those new robes, Gandalf?
> Gandalf: Unfortunately, no.
> (The cart continues on.)
> Hobbit #3: Gandalf, is that a new pointy hat?
> Gandalf: No.
> (The cart continues on.)
> Hobbit #1: Did you just get back from
> Rivendell?
> Gandalf: I wish I was there right about now,
> but no.
> Hobbit #1: Are you sure you didn't trim your
> beard?
> Gandalf: That's the sort of thing I'd notice,
> wouldn't you think?
> Hobbit #1: New haircut?
> Gandalf: I don't cut my hair.
> (Frodo shudders.)
> Announcer Voice: What's different about
> Gandalf? He asked his doctor about Staff.
> (Gandalf winks at a Hobbit maid)
> Announcer Voice: Now the next time he goes
> to Rivendell, he can have a REAL vacation.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Two Towers
> Scene: (Frodo is walking thru Mordor with a
> cell phone at his ear. Sam is about a hundred
> yards behind him, also wielding a cell phone.)
> Frodo: Can you hear me now?
> (Slightly garbled response from Sam.)
> Frodo: Good!
> (Frodo takes another step.)
> Frodo: Can you hear me now?
> (Another slightly garbled response from Sam.)
> (Frodo grins with satisfaction.)
> Frodo: Good!
> Announcer Voice: Verizon, taking pains to
> make sure you'll be heard everywhere. Yup.
> We mean EVERYWHERE.
> (Happy picture of Orc with cell phone.)
> Announcer Voice: Even Mordor.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Hobbit
> Scene: (The Goblin King's throne room.)
>
> Goblin King: I have a hard job to do. I have to
> capture Dwarves and Hobbits traversing
> mountain trails.
> (scene of Bilbo and Co. in chains)
> Goblin King: As a result I eat a lot of irregular
> food. But my hordes are depending on me; I
> can't stop for constipation, so I use Metamucil.
> (Random goblin holds up bottle of Metamucil
> and grins.)
> Announcer Voice : Now in new hobbit flavor!
> So now Metamucil has a taste that beats
> Ex-Lax 2 to 1.
> Goblin King: When I need quick relief, I turn to
> Metamucil. It helps me stay regular!
> (All Goblins grin.)
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (Bilbo is talking to the Sprint Man, ya
> know, the guy with the black trench coat. Frodo
> is sitting next to him.)
> Bilbo: (sighs) I told Frodo to bring my magic
> Ring. He brought...
> Sprint Man: ...the Witch King. (nods
> sympathetically)
> (The Witch King is shown in background,
> knocking things over with crashing noises.
> Bilbo cringes repeatedly.)
> Sprint Man: It's not his fault. It's the cellular
> static.
> (Crash.)
> Sprint Man: Here. (hands Bilbo a cell phone.
> Bilbo presses buttons excitedly.)
> Announcer Voice: Sprint has built the only
> all-digital nation wide wireless network.
> Sprint Man: So you'll always be clear.
> (Bilbo smiles, then gives Frodo a frosty glare
> as the Witch King stabs a bookcase.)
> Bilbo: (whirls around.) Not the...(Crash.)
> ...map. (sighs.)
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Two Towers
> Scene: (Legolas is wandering around at night
> in Rohan. He fingers a strand of limp gold hair
> and sighs dramatically. His face lights up as
> he gets an idea and whips a bottle of Herbal
> Essences shampoo out of his quiver, opens it
> up, and takes a sniff.)
> Legolas: Ahhhhh....
> Orcs: (spring on-screen, singing as music
> begins to play) He's got the urge!!!!! The urge
> to Herbal!!!!!!!
> (Orcs surround Legolas and begin to
> shampoo his hair.)
> Legolas: OOoooooh, yes...!
> (Orcs finish with his hair, then step away and
> triumphant music plays)
> Legolas: (Swirls hair dramatically, blinding
> several Orcs.) Oh, yes!
> Announcer Voice: Herbal Essences, now in
> new Pomegranate and Strawberry. Have you
> got the urge?
> Legolas: (Grins triumphantly and runs fingers
> through hair.) I do!
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Two Towers
> Scene: (Aragorn is wandering around at night
> in Rohan. He does not notice how
> EXTREMELY OILY AND UNWASHED his hair
> is. He picks up the bottle of Herbal Essences
> that Legolas has just discarded and tentatively
> takes a sniff.)
> Aragorn: What the...?
> Orcs: (spring on-screen, singing as music
> begins to play) He's got the urge!!!!! The urge
> to Herbal!!!!!!
> (Orcs surround him and begin to shampoo
> his hair.)
> Aragorn: Oh, yeah, just like Arwen! (Suds
> begin to turn brown. Very, very brown.)
> (Orcs finish shampooing and dive off screen
> as triumphant music begins to sound.)
> Aragorn: What the hell, I'm blonde?!?!?!
> (fingers hair interestedly.) I never realized
> that...
> Announcer: Herbal Essences. Now in extra
> powerful formula...for those who REALLY
> need it. Have you got the urge?
> Aragorn: I still don't get what the f*** is going
> on here...
>
> LORD OF THE ADS 2
> IF COMMERCIALS WERE A PART OF LOTR
>
> Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. It would be fun
> if I did, but I don't.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Return of the King
> Scene: (Frodo is trudging through Mordor.
> Shot of mithril shirt.)
> Announcer Voice: Mithril shirt: 1000 dollars.
> (Shot of Sting.)
> Announcer Voice: Magic sword: 650 dollars.
> (Mount Doom comes into view, and Frodo
> manages to smile with some relief.)
> Announcer Voice: Knowing you're saving the
> world: Priceless. There are some things in life
> you can't buy; for everything else, there's
> Mastercard.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (Elrond is standing by the balcony in
> Rivendell.)
> Elrond: Being immortal has its price. When
> you're 2000 years old, you need a denture
> adhesive that really lasts. (Elrond bites deeply
> into random cob of corn that has just
> appeared in his hand.) That's why I use Super
> Poligrip.
> (Shot of Super Poligrip being applied to
> Elrond's dentures.)
> Elrond: Super Poligrip. I couldn't live without
> it.
> (Elrond smiles and his dentures fall out.) Shit!
> Cut...
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (Merry and Pippin have converted Bag
> End into a dance club and are raving with an
> assortment of neon-dressed hobbits.
> Suddenly, Bilbo bursts in.)
> Bilbo: What the hell is going on here?!?!
> (Techno music stops instantly.)
> Pippin: Uh-oh...(shuffles backward with other
> hobbits)
> Merry: (steps forward confidently.) Here, Bilbo,
> have an Ice!
> Bilbo: (takes bottle) Hey, this is cool! (Music
> starts up again and all the hobbits get back to
> dancing, including Bilbo)
> Announcer Voice: They have just discovered
> the joy of Smirnoff Ice. Smirnoff Ice--enjoy it
> responsibly...somewhat responsibly.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Two Towers
> Scene: (An Orc is standing in the middle of his
> house, which is entirely white--couch, carpet,
> etc. Suddenly, a rider of Rohan and another
> Orc burst in. The Orc decapitates the rider of
> Rohan, whose head lands on the rug and
> sends up a geyser of blood.)
> Orc #1: I bet you're thinking I should be
> freaking out right about now. But I'm not,
> thanks to Bissel Steam Cleaner with
> Scotchgard Protection!
> Orc #2: Sorry, man.
> Orc #1: It's OK! (runs off screen and then back
> on with a vacuum cleaner) See? (Blood stains
> disappear as he runs the Steam Cleaner over
> them) Hey, I have an idea...
> (Cut to: Orcs with smoothies)
> Orcs: Smoothies! (clink glasses together,
> sending smoothie all over the rug.)
> Orc #1: It's cool. There's Scotchgard
> protection!
> Announcer Voice: Bissel Steam Cleaner, with
> Scotchgard Protection! Making your floor so
> clean even an Orc would love it!
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Two Towers
> Scene: (Legolas and Gimli are fighting off a
> tidal wave of Orcs in one of the huge battles.
> Legolas ducks as an Orc tries to decapitate
> him and stabs it, then turns to Gimli, still
> fighting off Orcs)
> Legolas: Good thing I have that insurance!
> Gimli: (hacks off an Orc's arm) What
> insurance?
> Duck: (waddles on-screen and nearly gets
> stepped on by an Orc) AFLAC!
> Legolas: It gives you money when you miss
> work because of battle-related injuries!
> Gimli: What?
> Duck: (getting annoyed) AFLAC! Aiiiieeee!
> (leaps out of the way as an Orc next to it is
> impaled by an arrow)
> Legolas: You should really consider getting it.
> Gimli: What???!
> Duck: AAAAAAFLAC! (dead Orc squishes it)
> Damn.
> Announcer Voice: AFLAC. Ask about it at work.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (The Uruk-Hai in the pits near
> Isengard, brushing their teeth)
> Announcer Voice: Why are these Uruk-Hai
> using Colgate Total?
> Uruk-Hai #1: (punches Uruk-Hai #2 in the
> mouth)
> Announcer Voice: Not only does it protect their
> teeth, it also protects them from staining--for
> 12 whole hours!
> Uruk-Hai #2: (brushes teeth vigorously,
> smiles. Teeth are perfectly white.)
> Announcer Voice: (as Uruk-Hai #2 slams
> Uruk-Hai #1 into a wall.) Colgate Total.
> Complete, 12 hour protection from stains...of
> all kinds.
> Uruk-Hai #3: Now with advanced Bloodgard
> protection!
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (Gimli is shaving in his room in
> Rivendell)
> Gimli: With a beard like mine, I need a razor
> with some real kick. That's why I use Shick!
> (Shot of Gimli cutting off heads of Goblins with
> his axe)
> Gimli: (gets razor stuck in beard) Oh,
> shit...(yanks on razor) Ouch...
> (Screen goes black, showing the Shick logo,
> but we can still hear Gimli)
> Gimli: Oh, f***, stupid f***ing razor...would
> somebody give me a hand here? Ouch...
> (sound of something breakable being
> knocked over.) Dammit, damn razor!
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (The Nazgul are riding through the
> forest, black cloaks billowing)
> Announcer Voice: Meet Nazgul #1, and Nazgul
> #5. Both of them wear black cloaks, but only
> one of them uses Woolite Dark.
> (Nazgul #1 throws his cloak into washing
> machine; Nazgul #5 throws his cloak into a
> second washing machine. Nazgul #1 adds
> Woolite Dark; Nazgul #5 adds a regular
> cleaner. Both pull out their cloaks and the
> camera zooms in)
> Announcer Voice: So as Nazgul #5 begins to
> fade, Nazgul #1 stays as dark as ever. And for
> the Nazgul, that's a very good thing. Woolite
> Dark. Protect your Blackness.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (Legolas is wandering through
> Lothlorien, holding his bow.)
> Announcer Voice: How Legolas Greenleaf
> eats a Reeses...
> (A Reeses Peanut Butter Cup flies by. Legolas
> impales it with an arrow, then takes out the
> arrow and takes a bite.)
> Legolas: Mmmmmmm...
> Announcer Voice: There's no wrong way to eat
> a Reeses.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (Many, many hobbits are standing on a
> blank screen. They are all sneezing, rubbing
> at their eyes, and looking generally
> miserable.)
> Announcer Voice: Every day, millions of
> hobbits in the Shire are waking up to millions
> of allergens. (a hobbit swells up and
> explodes; other hobbits don't seem to notice
> him in their misery. Perky music begins to
> play)
> Announcer Voice: (as Clarinex logo fills the
> screen) But help is in sight. Clarinex is here.
> Clarinex contains an ingredient that enables it
> to effectively block histamine, giving relief to
> most kinds of allergies. (rattles off a long list
> of side effects, including, in rare cases, that
> hobbit users of Clarinex have swelled up and
> exploded.)
> (Hobbits stop sneezing and smile.)
> Announcer Voice: You, too, can live without
> your allergies. Ask your doctor to see if
> Clarinex is right for you.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (most of the Fellowship are fleeing
> from the Uruk-Hai, all except Merry, who
> stands his ground and is obliviously eating a
> bag of Bugles. Suddenly, he is confronted by a
> rather large Uruk-Hai)
> Uruk-Hai: Grrrrrrrr.....
> Merry: (almost pops Bugle in his mouth, then
> reconsiders and throws it into the Uruk-Hai's
> mouth)
> Uruk-Hai: (eats it and growls until Merry feeds
> him another one as other Uruk-Hai stream
> past in hot pursuit of Pippin, who won't stop
> screaming.)
> Pippin: Aiiiieeeeee!
> Merry: (looks down to get another Bugle for the
> Uruk-Hai and discovers that the bag is empty.)
> Announcer: (As the Uruk-Hai begins to growl
> and Merry whimpers.) There's no such thing
> as too many Bugles.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Return of the King
> Scene: (Orthanc. Everything is rather dirty and
> Orcs are milling about aimlessly. Suddenly,
> perky music begins to play as Sauron bursts
> on wielding a container of Clorox)
> Singing: Sauron keeps our tower bright like
> the rainbow, Sauron keeps our tower white
> with a new glow, Sauron's got the magic
> of...Clorox!
> Sauron: (Runs around throwing filthy Orc
> clothing into a washing machine. The Orcs
> dance around happily as their nasty hairy
> clothes come out...white!)
> Singing: Sauron's got the magic, Sauron's got
> the magic, Sauron's got the magic of...Clorox!
> Sauron: (wipes bloodstains off of Orc's armor,
> who smiles)
> Singing: Sauron's got the magic, Sauron's got
> the magic, Sauron's got the magic of...Clorox!
>
> LORD OF THE ADS 3
> IF COMMERCIALS WERE A PART OF LOTR
>
> Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. Owning a few
> hobbits and elves would be fun though...^-^
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (Merry and Pippin are sitting on a balcony
> in Rivendell, eating Yoplait yogurt.)
> Merry: (eats a spoonful) This is good.
> Pippin: This is... (thinks for a second as he
> eats a spoonful of yogurt) pint at the pub good!
> Merry: Finding mushrooms good.
> Pippin: Playing with fireworks good.
> Merry: Second breakfast good.
> Pippin: Stealing carrots good.
> Merry: Dancing like a chicken good.
> Pippin: Getting hit in the head with an apple
> good!
> Merry: (looks at him strangely)
> Pippin: (runs out of yogurt) Oh, shit, this is
> bad.
> Merry: Aw, who cares about yogurt, let's go get a
> pint instead!
> Pippin: Yeah!
> Announcer Voice: (as picture of yogurt appears)
> Yoplait. It is so good...sort of...
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (Gandalf is slipping off the edge of the
> bridge in Moria, while Aragorn stands around
> nearby)
> Gandalf: A little help here, please?
> Aragron: I lowered my cholesterol!
> Gandalf: You think I care right now? Help me!
> (Cut to: Outside the mines, all the hobbits are
> crying pitifully. Legolas looks very distressed.
> Boromir looks serious. Aragorn has this big stupid
> grin on his face)
> Aragorn: Hey, Frodo!
> (Frodo turns around and a single tear runs down
> his cheek)
> Aragorn: I lowered my cholesterol!
> (Cut to: Legolas and Aragorn are standing next to
> each other at Amon Hen. Legolas looks even MORE
> distressed and turns to Aragorn.)
> Legolas: Something draws near; I can feel it!
> Aragorn: I lowered my cholesterol!
> (Cut to: Boromir is stuck full of arrows and is
> lying on the ground, dying. Aragorn is kneeled
> beside him)
> Boromir: The halflings...I think they are not
> dead!
> Aragorn: I lowered my cholesterol! (Legolas rolls
> his eyes)
> (Cut to: Aragorn and Arwen are standing in
> Rivendell at night--big romantic scene.)
> Aragorn: (is about to say...) I...
> Arwen: (cuts him off gleefully) I lowered my
> cholesterol!
> Announcer Voice: In case you haven't heard, which
> is pretty damn impossible at this point, Honey Nut
> Cheerios may help you lower your cholesterol! Be
> like Aragorn!
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (Sam is wrapping up food in Bag End using
> Saran Quick Covers)
> Sam: (as he snaps a Saran Quick Cover over a
> plate of cheese) I love that snapping sound!
> Frodo: (appears in the door)
> Sam: (covers a Tupperware and holds it up
> triumphantly) Look, Mr. Frodo, these even cover
> irregularly shaped ones!
> Frodo: (rolls his eyes and walks away) That's
> nice, Sam.
> Sam: (looks at next Saran Quick Cover in the box)
> Oooh, pink!
> Announcer Voice: Saran Quick Covers, the simple
> alternative to plastic wrap.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Fellowship of the Ring
> Scene: (Sauron brings a garbage bag into the
> kitchen, which promptly breaks and spills garbage
> all over the place)
> Sauron: Oh, f***!
> Woman: Sauron is MAD. He used a bargain bag and
> it broke.
> Sauron: This is no bargain! (bag bursts into
> flame)
> Woman: Sauron, you should have used Glad! Glad
> Bags are powerful!
> Sauron: Just like the Ring?
> Woman: Yup. None stronger! (throws box of garbage
> bags to Sauron)
> Sauron: (catches it) Cool!
> Woman: Don't get mad, get Glad!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Book/Movie: The Two Towers
> Scene silloutte of an Urk-hai is at center
> screen) Annoucer Voice: Full battling capacity,
> realitvly high intelligence rating, incredible
> strength and the best part is.......It's used?"
> (light on Urk-hai, which grunts in perplexity)
> Announcer Voice: Honda Certified Used Urk-hai
> because it may be used, but it's still a Honda



TOP 5 SONGS OF THE MOMENT: (in my case, top 5 most recently played...)
1: Everything's ALL Right - Kuraki Mai
2: Ever Stay Snow - Shiho
3: DDRMAX (Dance Dance Revolution) - Freckles (Kcp Re-Edit)
4: Allay Pain - Iwasaki Taku - Witch Robin OST1 [VICL-60931]
5: Healing Oil - Crystal Lewis - Beauty For Ashes


TOP 5 RECORDS OF THE MOMENT: (taken off iTunes since I really don't know...)
1: Full Moon Wo Sagashite OST
2: Hack Sign OST 1
3: Hack Sign OST 2
4: Spirited Away OST
5: Angelic Layer OST


TOP 5 PLACES OF THE MOMENT:
1: the computer room
2: my room
3: my head.... O.O
4: ....?
5: ....?


TOP 5 MOVIES OF THE MOMENT:
1: Spirited Away
2: Matrix Reloaded
3: X-men: mutents unite
4: Bruce Allmighty
5: ....?


TOP 5 WEBSITES OF THE MOMENT:
1: www.livejournal.com
2: ibneko.servehttp.com
3: www.megatokyo.com
4: www.google.com
5: www.chezmark.com

TOP 5 PEOPLE OF THE MOMENT:
1: Lady, who's always on my mind. well... almost always.
2: Senpai, who I've been kinda talking to...
3: me
4: my sister/family... chattering away in the background
5: the random person who's livejournal I took this off of.



2) Last car ride: Yesterday
3) Last kiss: ano... never kissed before T.T
4) Last good cry: that night... whenever it was...
5) Last Library Book Checked Out: It's been a while
6) Last movie seen: Spirited Away (watched it again)
7) Last Book Read: Palmer
8) Last cuss word uttered: damnit
9) Last beverage drank: milk
10) Last Food consumed: noodles of some sort..
11) Last Crush: too long ago...
12) Last phone call: To Meg
13) Last TV show watched: chinese news
15) Last time showered: last night
16) Last shoes worn: old sneakers
17) Last CD played: Don't know...
14) Last Item Bought: dunno.....
18) Last downloaded: HenWen
19) Last annoyance: Goddamn headache
20) Last disappointment: myself
21) Last soda drank: Coke, probably
22) Last thing written: This survey
23) Last key used: to the closet stage left
24) Last word spoken: No, it's strawberry cheesecake? (to my sister)
25) Last trip to the bathroom: Tuesday, bwahahaha. jk. but the stupid question doesn't deserve an answer.
26) Last sleep: last night?
27) Last IM: Senpai...
28) Last sexual fantasy: oooh, fun, noon.
29) Last orgasm: Ano..... ::blushes:: next question...
30) Last weird encounter: huh?
31) Last Store Shopped at: Safeway
32) Last ice cream eaten: sherbert stuff, friday
33) Last time amused: 2 minutes ago
34) Last time wanting to die: at least a month ago
35) Last time in love: With someone else? ::shrugs:: define love.. and how much is required before it's called love.
36) Last time hugged: last night
37) Last time scolded: By my conscience. 2 minutes ago -.-
38) Last time resentful: mmm.. probably a week ago..
39) Last chair sat in: the one I'm in now
40) Last lipstick used: some nameless brand... too many years ago.
41) Last underwear worn: hanes
42) Last bra worn: ano... n/a
43) Last shirt worn: a white t-shirt
44) Last class attended: Math, 7th period, last last friday
45) Last Final taken: Uhh.. Chinese?
46) Last time dancing: Never danced...
47) Last poster looked at: No clue..
48) Last show attended: Hello Dolly
49) Last webpage visited: www.livejournal.com
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