Benjamin Juang (ibneko) wrote,
Benjamin Juang

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One of the reasons why I might be so uncomfortable with talking with people and being at social events, is because I'm unable to let go and instead, I focus a lot on how I'm acting and how I appear to others. Meaning half or more of my mind is busy processing what I might seem like. Hence the being able to talk better while doing something or behind a computer terminal. Because with the former, I'm concentrated on doing something else, so I don't/can't think of other stuff. And with the latter, the other person can't see me, or hear me, and I can take the time to think before hitting enter to send the message. That's also why I'm not too comfortable with the phone... Thinking of stuff to say seems harder when there's expectant silence?

I came across this while thinking about being at a rock concert (so random, yeah... I dunno), which led to the homecoming dance where I was a wallflower, and the uncomfortable, out-of-place feeling I had then, and the more recent prom dance, where I managed to just ignore those questions of what I look like, and what I appear to be, and if I look stupid, etc. That was what enabled me to dance and not be a wallflower again. Meh. The question now is how to... well, let go. 'Cept I'm afraid I might let go too much and never regain control, and become one of the stupid gibbering masses that seem ever so present.

Dude, I sound like a gibbering idiot sometimes online. Imagine what it'd be like to have me like that IRL.

Damn fine balance.

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