Benjamin Juang (ibneko) wrote,
Benjamin Juang

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I know most of this isn't true, but sometimes, when things aren't working... shadows seem darker, and being alone seems... well, lonelier. So here's what's been going around in my head for the past... some time or other.

I'm a failure. You know the usual. Evidence of this include crappy physics grades, crappy ECE391 grades... stupid general carelessness on my part. Lots of it. Why can't I take exams well? Hell, for that matter, why am I so careless when it comes to things? It's stupid. I've tried different things, different ways of studying, different ways of doing things, and I still really rarely see an A.

I'm lonely. And tired. Why don't I have more friends here... I'm jealous of all of those characters in the webcomics that I read.. they all have wonderful groups of friends... well, not all of the webcomics - it's not the case for.. eh, half of them, come to think of it...

Hell, I don't have the time to make friends. Or rather, keep friends. I think I'm losing the ones I have right now... most of my time is spent in class, or secluded somewhere trying to catch up on homework. At least I'm getting a higher efficency-per-time-unit in terms of getting work done.

And it's depressing; I don't go to bars, 'cause I have absolutely no interest in stupid drunk people and places with sticky floors that smell bad. Yes, I'm aware that I'm generalizing here, but let me continue.. because I don't to bars.. my future probably looks just as lonely as it is now, since once I enter the real workforce, my main contact with people will be during job hours.. and not going to bars will probably mean I won't socialize with anyone else outside of my workplace. At least that's what I'm assuming, really. Or predicting. I don't know. My family... dad just comes directly home from work. I don't think he knows how to have fun anymore. Or what fun is. And mom's 'working' hours are at night or in the afternoon, when all the little kiddies are not in school.

Yeah, I'm probably going to be single for a long, long time. Hahaha. And a virgin. Til 40. XD

And since we're back on the issue of relationships, I still don't know what Karen-senpai thinks of me. She says she doesn't want things to change, but as the way things are right now, I'm chasing her, and getting nothing in return. Well, not nothing, I guess... she doesn't push me away, but... there's none of the affection returned, ever. And sometimes, it gets hard to keep going. Just giving up has been considered, but... I don't really want to. There's no one better, but that might only be because I haven't seen more people. But really, it's not every day that you come across someone who's smart, practical, good looking...

Granted, it might be because she's so practical that she doesn't return the affection~ it's not... necessary. But that's not true.. I want some affection too, sometimes.

I doubt she even reads this anyhow... Why do I bother.

Maybe I'm pushing myself too hard. Let's count the ways~ I'm holding two "jobs", although both with unscheduled times. I'm taking three ECE classes, one 400 level math class, two physics classes (spread over the semester, so that's not as bad as it sounds..). I'm on the IEEE Workshop committee, as well as the other sysadmin/webmaster of the Engineering Council server, a member of the Chinese Yo-yo performance team, and now I'm the webmaster of J-Net, as well as the technical director of the upcoming J-Net Fashion Show. The last three have been pushed on the back burner - when things come up, I take care of them, but... still. I don't know. I guess, right now.. it all boils down to really needing someone there for me, to tell me I'm doing alright, to hold me physically and keep the world away, even if just for a short period of time.

True, other people have it worse off than me, of course. At least I have a nice apartment to live in, a roommate that I can stand and isn't a smoker or alcoholic, extra cash in the bank, a laptop, internet access, supportive parents, a loving sister, friends back home...

...but I'm selfish. So forgive me and let me whine a bit. I don't do this to often.

...hell, I don't expect anyone to read this anyways, or comment.

Back to work. It's 11 PM already. I'm still not done with chapter 1 of ECE329. Most of my afternoon (when I was awake) was spent on my bed, wrapped in my blankets (Lady, thank you again for the bomber throw! Goddess, it's comfy~), reading random crap online.

Oh, yeah, that's the other thing. Without an external deadline, I can't function. Especially when it's something that I'm not fond of doing, like studying. Because I can't study. Because I'm a failure. And studying doesn't do jack shit.

shut up, I know that's not true. It just feels that way. And each time I don't study as hard, my grades go down. And I want to study even less. Because it seems like it's useless. like i am...

Yeah, I'm going to go work on my ECE391 MP2, part 2 now. It's not due until the monday after the following one. But my physics final exam is also on that day. Which means this should be done by wednesday.

Fuck. If I only didn't have to take physics. It takes up so much time per week... 3 hours of lectures, 2 hours of lab, 2 hours of discussion per week. Plus homework, which adds an additional 2-3 hours. It's too late to drop 214 now, but dropping 213 might still be an option. I could take it next semester. And be even more screwed, of course.

I hate giving up stuff though. Especially when it seems like I can do it. Or should be able to.

I hate you, school. I hate you so much. You keep me away from everything that makes life good... my friends, maryland, family... yeah, I learn 'cause of you, and wouldn't have the motivation to learn as much, but, still... I hate you. Espeically when exams make up so much of our grade. And then our grades are used to determine if we get jobs or not. So I hate you. Too bad your not alive. Otherwise, I'd hunt you down with a rusty spoon and make sure you die. Several times.

Oh yes, I have a lot of hate in me. It's not something I bring out often, but... ::cups it in his hands and gazes at it:: burns ever so nicely sometimes. And sometimes, it helps to let it cool off a bit. So let me indudge myself for a bit.

.......I need more chocolate.
Tags: angst, hate, life, reflection

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