Benjamin Juang (ibneko) wrote,
Benjamin Juang
ibneko

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Thus comes the end of yet another chapter...

...and the start of a new one.

Damn longass entry. Click here NOW to skip to the bottom... Xanga people may wish to use the other links I've provided.

(last chance to skip...)

Looking backwards... (A summary...
School (North-Point):
Eh, school was school. Last semester was terribly lousy. Changes will have to be made - we've determined that. Most of you will not be told exactly how much I have to change, and that's fine with me, I think. ^^;; Don't ask, chances are you won't be told. (I'm practically asking for someone to ask, aren't I... tsk, tsk.)

Life (Inner-Circle):
I'm a bit more confident with where I stand with Karen-senpai. Hopefully, memories will last and not fade or warp. I have pictures and memories. Thank you, Karen. I doubt you actually read my livejournal, but you've made me one happy kitty this past week in August, 2006. (I'm afraid thought... fear... fear of pain should... something bad happen. A side-effect of a light Sight is that one does tend to be more pessimistic. You See so many possibilities, but the bad ones stand out, and they... grow on you. So I'm wary... I take care of that seed of doubt, so if there is a fall to come, it won't hurt too much. Freefall is always more rewarding, I'm sure, but... I'm scared.)
I watch my parents grow older, it's... a bit frightening. Not too bad, sometimes, but... sometimes... I worry. (Partially, it's because I don't see time as seconds, but strings of events, so... I can't tell where things are...) But.. I... don't think there's anything to worry about here. Relationships with relatives by blood are good. My sister has grown up. It's a bit disturbing. =^.-=

Life (Outer-Social):
Massive thanks to you, Lily. Really, no, also to Sis as well, for dragging me to that lunch table back in freshman year - remember? With that, I met Lily, met everyone else (Lady, Karen, Ouqi, Kati, Kate, everyone else... I know I'm missing people here). But it's Lily who's held all of us together - even though we go to different universities, different states, she's the one who keeps all of us together... She's a center, at least for me, to keep me connected with our entire group. So thank you. The quiet, shy boy I am, I wouldn't have been able to keep in touch with everyone without you. I know it's... you're nature to do this, but.. all those parties over winter break, summer break... I owe you one. Not like we track favors anymore. =^_^=
{But yeah, network of friends.. just for fun:

(I'm positive I've forgotten at least one important person. Whoever you are, please hit me.)
Yeah, 'keystones' are Lily, Sharon (and, Willa, as she was the one who always welcomed me there..), Jon/Mark, David. It is colored - Yellow's middle school friends, Blue's high school 'seniors', green's high school 'juniors', blue's livejournal, orange is college. Distance is... somewhat accurate. However, if you're making friendship decisions (involving me, anyhow) of any sort based on this map, I can pretty much guarantee failure.
}

Core (System-Center):
I'm still as shy as I was. Although wiser, I hope, although there's still lots to learn. I no longer classify myself as of unknown gender - I'm still not entirely sure, but probably leaning more towards male. Who knows, ne? Feline tendencies have increased - I find myself slipping and using "mrr" and "mrew" in day to day conversation. Whoops ^^;; I guess I don't get out enough, to talk to "normal" people. Hahahaha. Oh well. I'm more comfortable in my skin now, less... soul searching, although it still happens once in a while, and I try to enforce a self-sanity-check every so often, to make sure I'm still relatively stable. I toss bits of Japanese in with talk as well, which is bad - that's due to a decent amount of anime consumed. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I'm always using it correctly... Hmm. Oh well. Someday, I'll get back to learning Japanese properly. Until then... Maybe I'll find more Japanese friends, so they can correct me. Unlikely. My belief that there's magic in the world, and that there's some Higher Power (Powers That Be) is pretty stable now - there's probably cracks of doubt here or there, but belief is steady and pretty solid. Hey, it's a bit weird, I know. But my life, my mind, my choice. I still prefer watching people over trying and failing to make conversation. I'm still a lover of good stories - plots, characters delight me. Magic or sci-fi and backroom politics add to that. Stuff that adds rules, and/or breaks them. I'm just babbling now, though. I still love laughing - The hour/two length is a bit of a hefty price, but I'll continue going to the improv monday nights.

Summer (South-Legs):
Summer of code, Ouqi's website project, Karen's visit, having one parental unit at home while the other is out traveling... It's been a pretty satisfying summer, really. I didn't get as much done as I wanted - still haven't studied ahead for classes. But otherwise, technically, I have the money I need for rent. Unless I don't make the google deadline. In which case I'll have half of it. Ouqi's stuff is... sadly on hold. I want to get back to it, but... it seems impossible. I also need to get the J-net club site up. Yargh. I don't have content for that. Oh well. At least the design is done - thanks for the assist. Meikou! I owe you one.

Wishes (Forward-Assist):
I'll find someone like Lily at school. But I met her by luck. And the circumstances that brought us together and make the ties as they are... are unlikely to occur in ECE. I don't know. May need someone much more outgoing, and interested in me. Hahahaha, who am I kidding? Besides, with my somewhat 'taken' status, no sane girl would chase after me. Gawdforbid a guy. No one in any of my UIUC circles thus far fill such a role - there's several people I've met recently that could do it, but they all go to maryland. Gah - what's wrong with Illinois, eh? I don't think I could change myself to fill that role either - it's practically my opposite. I'm sure Jon knows someone like that, but... I don't get dragged down to 6-pack often enough, and it's... too hard... rather like lighting a fire with wet wood. Nothing's going to start up. Granted, I don't try hard enough. Oh well, ne?
I need to change my study habits. Or the way I memorize things. I should figure out straight forward, text memorization - but the way my mind current works, I remember fuzzy images and feelings. Half-life of any memory is three days, at longest. At which point, a previously clear image, would be pretty much half deteriorated. Doesn't help when I'm cramming for exams, I can tell you that. Especially when it's worse with less sleep. So my wish here, is for a better memory. Or a new way to do this. Or an exemption from exams, in exchange for papers and labs.

Hahaha. I found it.Issues (Anomaly-Reverse):
I'm never going to be successful in life. I'm a failure. Know why? 'cause I can't remember any of this detail - all those formulas in 210, 329? I'm never going to remember those enough to use in the workforce. I'm sure others don't remember, but... I.. literally don't remember anything. 210 stuff? All gone, I believe. Hell, I don't remember most of what I learned in 391 and 448. I'm a miserable failure. But I'll forget this soon enough. Yep. That's the only benefit - I don't hate people for long, I don't remember why I'm upset, once it's over, I forget. It also makes me a wonderful secret keeper - tell me something, and I'll pretty much promptly forget within the next week. What else am I good for? I can be a code monkey. Give me google, a text editor, and I'll code for you. ::laughs sarcastically::

Conclusion (End-Tie)
I think that about covers it all... Got questions, ask. I doubt people will have anything to say. If you actually read though all that, 'grats (Damn, man, you shouldn't have done that to yourself...). I'm sure you're sick of me now~ so move on. =^^= It'll do you good. Go read sinfest or something.

[ info ] Map was made using OmniGraffle, by the way. It's not a meme. Nifty app though, especially for those who are more visual organizers.
Tags: life, redefinition, self-analysis
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