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Archived: Nekkid Quidditch Match (complete) - IBNeko's Journal-Nyo~!
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ibneko
Archived: Nekkid Quidditch Match (complete)

[ From: http://www.nodignity.com/freaks/nqm/nqm1.html and http://evilgoddss.livejournal.com/46125.html ]
Disclaimer : The following was written for entertainment purposes only. All characters named are the property of J.K. Rowling & whoever the hell else owns a piece of The Boy That Lived at this point.
We're not making any money off of it (in fact, I'm sure some of our staff would say they're just not making any money, but that's a different story)
so please don't bother to sue us, 'cause we ain't got shit. Thank you.</p>

Naked Quidditch Match: 1
by Anya(with a little bit by Karen)
Inspired by Alex's comment that he was "off to dream of nude Quidditch matches..." (November 5, 2001)


To: All Students
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Naked Quidditch (11/15/01)
As reported, by part of your foolish use of Magical Truth or Dare, the next Quidditch game will be conducted by the Gryffindor team in the buff. Given the nature of this particular game, the staff of Hogwarts will ensure temperatures in the Quidditch field stay reasonable.
All betting regarding the various sizes and weights of student equipment is not condoned. Should a magical measure stick be seen in the vicinity of the field on game day, there will be 500 points deducted from the house and a month of detentions.
Students in first through third years playing on the team are exempted from this display, as they were non-participants in the foolish game. They are to remain in their Quidditch uniforms.
Given the fact jock cups cannot be used in this game as per the restrictions of a "naked Quidditch challenge", any male student who wishes to learn of a genitalia protection spell may come to my office in confidence.
I would like to stress to all students that this type of "dare" from a Truth and Dare game is unacceptable, but magically binding. Please do try to engage brains before making foolish choices.
- Professor M. McGonagall


To: Gryffindor Quidditch Teammates
From: Gred and Forge Weasley
Re: Game Next Week
Oy. Okay, so we all know we're playing starkers. Letting it all hang out. Exposing our bits. Flaunting our glory... just to ensure we put those Slytherin gits to shame, anyone needing an 'enhancement' potion should let us know before the game. Well before the game. You'll need a night's rest and some practice to get used to the new balls, if you know what we're meaning.
Also, Forge and I have gotten our hands on a small quantity of woad. Anyone care for the Pict-Quidd team? We think we'd all look dashing in blue. Especially Katie, Alicia and Angelina, eh ladies?
Now, finally, the last going bid for the Malfoy jewels came in at a miserable 5.08 cm. Anyone out there, at ALL, care to dare higher? Pity Slytherin won't be all nekkid on the field, but still. We may yet find a way to verify measurements. Oh, and Harry? Your fan club has dumped the motherload for your dimensions. You might want to consider posing for 'em.
F&G
G&F


To: Harry's Girls (All Members)
From: Ginny Weasley / Founder
Re: Game Next Week
We've got Colin's camera! Anyone knowing a good way to disguise it as nothing more than Omnioculars please let me know!
Oh, and btw, I've snitched (err. No pun intended) my brother's Omnioculars. That's a total of 3 pairs I can lend out... first come, first serve.
Lastly, the design team for the Harry Potter Nude 2002 Calendar should meet IMMEDIATELY after the game!
Gin


To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Alicia Spinnet
Re: GQ Teammates Memo
Fred, George:
You are SO very dead.
- Katie, Alicia, and Angelina


To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Charm for Camera
You can never admit to Ron that this came from me. Attached is the charm you need. I've also included another charm that will let an Omnioculars capture an image and store it for downloading onto photograph paper.
You really REALLY mustn't let anyone know what the Omnioculars can do. Especially not Ron. He'll KNOW the charm came from me. It's taken me six months to get him to ease up on the Viktor thing; I'll not have him go cross-eyed every time Harry is in the same room as he and I.
Just so you know, I've tested the charm on my Omnioculars already. And no, you can't see the pictures. They're personal.
H.G.


To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Lee Jordan
Re: You guys have a BIG Problem.
Mates, we're going to lose the bet. Harry's gone AWOL. I overhead Dumbledore talking to McGonagall and they think he's just handed himself over to Voldemort rather than play the game starkers.
BTW, Alicia and crew have it out for you. They've been practicing beat-the-Beater and their aim is PHENOMENAL! You'd best see McGonagall re: the protection charm.
Good luck!
- Lee


To: Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell
From: Alicia Spinnet
Re: The Damn Quidditch Match
Look, ladies. I know we're only caught up in this damn nightmare because of Fred and George, but it could be worse.
Face facts. We are hot women. All those Quidditch practices and whatnot have left us lean, trim, and very firm. And, we're not lacking in other assets, either.
So, the boys want to ogle. I say we provide a show that would put the Veelas to shame. I've gone to McGonagall and got the protection charm. I'll not have bruises show on my body! I also asked for the waxing charm.
So, how about a girls' beauty night? Hermione has offered to play watch-out and keep the guys off our back. Oh! And here's a thought... if we're gonna go starkers because of this damn dare, how about raising the ante with a strip tease?
- Alicia


To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Your AWOL Seeker
Sorry mates, but Hogsmeade's entire supply of Butterbeer just ain't gonna cut it. Keep in mind, I've learned from the best jokers in Hogwarts. You'll have to come up with more than that for me to spill Harry's location. Now, if you can find a stripping charm for Hermione and access to a room for private showing, then we'll talk.
Oh, and I just got two owls from Bill and Charlie. They wanna know if it's too late for them to submit their bids for the golden Snitches. Percy, of course, declined to wager.
- Ron


To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred Weasley
Re: Finding Harry
Checked with Ron, Lee. He's not budging. You sure that Lavender's on the level about those piccy's Hermione has?
- Fred
(and George)


To: Fred AND George Weasley
From: Lee Jordan
Re: Pictures
Word is, our resident Gryffindor Super-Genius has found a way to turn Omnioculars into a digital camera. Right neat or wot?
She's got some interesting snaps of your little brother Ronniekins from the locker room showers. I'd say she's been lifting Harry's Cloak of Iniquity.
And George, insecurity complex much?
Lee


To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Err? What?
You Muggle Git! What the deuce is a 'digital' camera?
-F&G


To: Ron Weasley
From: His Wonderful Big Brothers
Re: AWOL Seeker
Dear Ronniekins
It has come to our attention, via our elaborate and exotic spy network that someone (who shall go unnamed until you tell us where our vanished Seeker is) has taken advantage of your trust and captured you in the buff on film.
For the price of such information that leads to the whereabouts of one Harry Potter, we will divulge the perpetrator, the method of the crime and provide you with the originals of the incriminating photos.
And no, Ronnie... they aren't the baby pictures Mummy took.
Brotherly Love,
Fred & George


To: All Gryffindors
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Attention All Gryffindors
If I find the perv who has been sneaking around taking pictures of me starkers, I'll do worse than an Unforgivable curse!
And, I bet I'm not the only one this creep has been stalking!
Anyone with knowledge of the identity of this git had better let me know and let me know fast or I'll go straight to McGonagall!
- Ron Weasley


To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: You didn't tell him!
Ginny!
Please tell me you didn't tell Ron about the Omnioculars! Please! Oh my! How did he find out about the pictures?! What am I going to do if he finds out it was me!
Hermione


To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Pictures
You're NOT serious! You took naked pictures of MY brother? Are you out of your mind? What on earth would you want pictures of THAT git for?
I haven't told Ron anything. I'm quite put out with him, he's hiding Harry, I just know it, and he won't say where.
As for dealing with Ron... when in doubt, lie. Make something up. He's so gullible he'd believe you if you swore your unending love for him.
Err. You don't love him, do you? I'm sure there's a tonic for that.
- Ginny


To: Ron Weasley
From: Your Secret Admirer
Re: Rumors of Pictures
Dear Ron,
I am a female student in the upper classes. I am in a few of your classes, and have been since first year.
Umm. I don't know what to say other than... IhaveacrushonyouandIhavethepicturesyouweretalkingabout. I don't know how you found out about them. I've shown NO ONE! And I won't.
Please don't go to McGonagall. Please! I couldn't bear to have you find out who I am, because... because I know you couldn't possibly like me too.
- Your Secret Admirer


To: Hermione Granger
From: Your Bestest Bud, Ron
Re: Help?
Hey Mione!
Remember when you were explaining the things about the Mmail system here? What was it you said about IP #'s being traceable? I can't remember. Is there a way to look up WHO sent you something by IP number?
Let me know! I'll read Hogwarts, A History if you can help!
- Ron


To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Our Missing Seeker
Alicia, Katie and Angelina, with all due respect, we've gone to McGonagall and got the protective charm. You three are playing wrong positions! You should be Beaters!
Good news, though. We've found Harry. The git has been hiding under his Invisibility Cloak in the Chamber of Secrets for the past three days to avoid detection. Our darling baby sister went down and hauled him up. You've got to admire her persistence to a goal.
At any road, Harry's under 24-hour guard now. And Snape has promised to ensure he doesn't poison or wound him in class. We don't know what the fool's worried about. We're in the locker room with him often enough, he's got nothing to be ashamed about. Really. NOTHING.
- Gred and Forge


To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Harry Potter
Re: The Damn Situation Fred & George got us in.
Here's an idea... let's concede the game. LET the Slytherins take the bloody cup. I'm not going out there starkers!
- Harry


To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Concede the game?!
We can't possibly concede the game! Are you mad, Harry?! If we even consider it, think of what Malfoy's gonna say. Not only do we have our personal prides at stake here, but also the glory of our House.
And if anyone else is even considering this idea, we'll go straight to McGonagall. She's not going to let her House go down to Slytherin after that horrendous 7-year loss to them in the House Cup.
Oh, and Harry, if only the bets on the size of your prized jewels were House points, we'd win the House Cup as fast as Percy can Apparate downstairs.
- Gred and Forge


To: Gryffindor Tower (All)
Re: Fred and George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Measurements
Allow me to dispel the rumors. My measurements are precisely 13.2842 cm x 4.445 cm in width. Anyone wanting diameter, provide a tape measure and I'll bloody give you that too!
Having spoiled the gambling, I suggest you all get a refund from the pool from Fred and George.
Best regards,
- Harry


To: Harry Potter
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Measurements
How could you do that to us? Your mates, your chums, you buds... your teammates! How, Harry? How?


To: Harry Potter
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Fred, George...
Mr. Potter:
Thank you for sharing your previous message to all of the residents, including myself, of Gryffindor Tower. I trust you proved some trivial point to your satisfaction? I do feel a discussion on propriety is needed. As such, I expect to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning!
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress


To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender Brown
Re: Harry's Measurements
Oh my goodness. Did you SEE that Ginny? Over 13 cm! YUM!
- Lav


To: Harry Potter
From: A Gryffindor Admirer
CC: Gryffindor Tower (All)
Re: Independent Assessment of Measurement
Dear Harry,
As an avid fan of your Quidditch prowess (among other things), may I suggest that a neutral party (i.e. a non-Gryffindor and non-Slytherin) take your measurements?
Who's to say that any of your answers could be believed considering our House and Slytherin are active participators in this Quidditch match?
I'm sure a Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw wouldn't mind volunteering for this tedious and most difficult task.
Go Gryffindors!
- An admirer


To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
CC: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
Re: House Pride

I've just been informed by emergency Owl Post about this Stark Quidditch Match. Harry, what do you think you're doing?! Rule # 1 is never giving Slytherin ANY advantage! Sure you're in a rather compromising position with this game, but winning the game is your first priority!
Now go and recant your measurements before Slytherin finds out. I've worked hard to put Gryffindor at the top, and so did your teammates. Don't let your pants us down! Just remember that we've got the best Quidditch team in the school... and our reputation depends on YOU!
Feel free to Owl me for Quidditch tips.
- Oliver


To: Oliver Wood
From: Harry Potter
Re: Teamwork
Ollie:
No real disrespect intended but--Go to Hell.
- Harry


To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Harry's Attitude
Listen, chaps. I just had the most appalling Mmail back from Potter. I think you both need to take a firm look at how you're managing your Captaincy.
It's about Teamwork. Working together and making sacrifices for the team. You've got to encourage him to have a more sporting outlook. Sure, I realise I'm not the one having to go starkers in front of the entire student body... but still.
D'ya suppose his reluctance has to do with how the entire student body will be ogling HIS body and no one else's?
- Oliver


To: Oliver Wood
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Harry's Attitude
Hey, Oliver:
1. It is our sincere hope that the MALES of the student body are not inclined to ogle Harry. That's just sick, man.
2. Excuse us, but--Go To Hell!
- Fred & George


To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender Brown
Re: Hello?
Ginny? Did you get my Mmail? Are you okay? No one's heard from you since Saturday!
- Lavender


To: Lavender Brown
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Worried about Ginny
Goddamnit, Harry! You know my little sister has a crush on you! Did you HAVE to send out that Mmail glorifying your endowment?
Hermione took her down to the Infirmary. She was foaming at the mouth and wouldn't let go of a printout of that Mmail and a measuring tape!
This is ALL your fault, Fred, George. Wait till Mum finds out!
And Harry -- stay away from my little sister!
- Ron


To: Ron Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Ginny's Condition
Err? Ron? I'm your bloody roomie! Why are we Mmailing each other this stuff?
- Harry


To: A Gryffindor Admirer
From: Harry Potter
CC: Gryffindor Tower (All)
Re: Independent Assessment of Measurements
For the sake of accuracy in the gambling regarding the assets of the Quidditch team, why not measure all of us?
Just contact Hermione Granger to work out a schedule that's agreeable and I'll drop my trousers for your review if Fred & George drop theirs.
- Harry Potter
---


Naked Quidditch Match: 2
by Anya




To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Lee Jordan
Re: Harry's Response

He called our bluff. NOW what do we do?




To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: The Bluff

Ah, our fine panicking friend. When the bluffee bluffs the bluffer, then raise the bluff.
One word to solve our dilemma: Draco.
The question is: HOW?!
- Gred and Forge




To: Ron Weasley
From: Bill Weasley
Re: Golden Snitches

Hey little brother,
You might want to give Harry a head's up. The word about the NQM next Thursday has gotten out to the media.
And, apparently the betting for the Golden Snitches have gotten really ridiculous. There isn't a wizarding pool to TOP the highest winning prize for this one!
Err. So, how about giving your family a tip in what to bet? Think of it as investing in the betterment of Weasley Lifestyles everywhere.
- Bill




To: Bill Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Golden Snitches

Harry, great prat he is, went public with the size and weight of the Snitches. Ginny's gone catatonic as a result, and let me tell you, the smile on her face is frightening. We're still trying to pry the measuring tape from her hands.
Anyway, if you must know: 13.2842 cm x 4.445 cm
Ron




To: Harry Potter
From: Bill Weasley
Re: Measurements

How could you, Harry?
- Bill




To: Bill Weasley, Ron Weasley, Charlie Weasley, Ungodly Duo
From: Harry Potter
Re: I defeated Voldemort Once

Some support, if you don't mind, would be very appreciated. Because of hte idiot-duo-from-Hell, I have to go streaking how there all exposd, adn YOU are all worried bout making money off my humilition?
You're all too kind. I've already got a week's worth of detention from McGonagall. And I won't even MENTION the lecture I got.
By the way, Ron. I went and saw Ginny. She's fine now.
Harry




To: Harry Potter
From: Charlie Weasley
Re: Your Email

Mate, I really do understand where you're coming from. Fred and George really have stuck their foot in it this time.
Listen, talk to Hermione about this situation. No, not about the starkers part, but how to get around the humiliation of it all. You can't go out there with robes (or clothes) on. I get that. But, surely there's a way around the utter exposure... I'm thinking there must be a charm of obscurity you could use.
Get my drift?
Oh, and Harry? You're letting all of this stress you too much. Your command of the English language is slipping away.
- Charlie
P.S. Remember, it can't be worse than dodging a clutching dragon!




To: Charlie Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Your Email

I love you man.
Really!
HP




To: Hermione Granger
From: Harry Potter
Re: Fwd: Your Email

Herm...
You're kidding? Anti-charm wards? Tell me it's a joke. Please. You're my best friend, surely YOU can think of a way around this?
- Harry




To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Your Plan

Ginny,
I'm glad you're feeling better. I was really worried about you. However, having said that, I'm a little concerned about that idea you had.
I read the note you gave me in the Great Hall and compiled a list of possibilities to go wrong in Arithmancy. The consequences, you understand, are dire. If this doesn't work, Ron will hate me and Harry will never forgive me!
Oh, and btw, you should warn your brothers that McGonagall is now setting up anti-magic charms to ward off any potions, lotions or enhancement charms the teams can come up with. She's deliberately targeting it on people, not brooms.
See, that's the trick. I told Harry the concealment or obscurity spell he wanted was impossible, but it's NOT! He could charm the broomstick to do it for the specific rider!
Anyway, I'm panicking over here. Are you SURE you have a scapegoat out for those blasted pictures?
- Hermione




To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: My Ingenious Weasley Plan

Modesty runs in our family. Look, Herm, if you're asking me if I can outwit my brothers, then the answer is Bloody Hell YES!
I've observed every trick in the book for five brothers, enough so that I can out-think them all. This is a cakewalk! No challenge whatsoever. Ronnie will be crying on your shoulder before you know it and you can do whatever it is you want to him. (I still think a potion is your best solution, but if Ron does it for you, then there's no accounting for taste.)
After all, I had plenty time to come up with this plan. No worries there.
Thanks for alerting McGonagall. No one will ever find out you snitched from me. You did tell McGonagall you didn't want to be publicly acknowledged for performing your civic duty, didn't you?
- Ginny
P.S. D'ya think the Slytherin team is taking this Quidditch match with as much paranoia?




To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: McGonagall

Oh no! I forgot!
- hg




To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Charlie Weasley
Re: This !@#$% Quidditch Match

Bugger you two! There isn't a single bloody way out of this mess that you've caused. I may never forgive you for this, dammit! I already have your sister and most of the female residents of this damn Tower in a "HP Fan Club". I'm not daft. This is just the kind of foolishness that will get me listed in Witch Weekly AGAIN!
Do you have NO sense of shame? I had a glimmer of hope, a shining moment of sanity courtesy of Charlie. However, Hermione just broke the rotten news to me-- there are no charms or enchantments at all will work, as Dumbledore and McGonagall are setting up an anti-charm field. And I checked with Madam Hooch. I can't even 'dress' up my broom to protect my modesty.
You've gone too far, dammit!
- Harry




To: Oliver Wood
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Star Seekers

As an experienced Captain of our Illustrious Gryffindor House Team, could you bless us, your successors, with a pearl or two of wisdom?
Just how bad is it to irritate the star Gryffindor Seeker who has defeated Voldemort twice?
Hugs and Kisses,
- Gred and Forge
X0X0X
(We luv you man!)




To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Star Seekers

Up until Harry joined the team, the last win for the Gryffindor House was with your own brother Charlie.
Harry broke a significant and brutal dry spell, bless him. More importantly, he's never lost us a game... well, unless he was in the hospital wing or unconscious at the time.
Bottom line, YOU DON'T PISS OFF THE SEEKER!
Now. There's no hope for it. I've heard from Harry, as you well know, and he's not taking this Naked Quidditch Match at all well. And truthfully, now that I've gone up in the ranks of my team, I can understand where he's coming from.
I've had to go underground. Change my fireplace and delist its address on the Floo-network. It's disastrous. There's even FAN CLUBS for me now! Seriously! Deranged women are throwing themselves at me, and I'm listed as the #8 most eligible bachelor. (Don't tell Harry, but he's been #1 for the past two years.)
Bottom line, it's a fine mess you've put the team into. I'd be very afraid for your lives if I were you. If Harry doesn't hand you over to Voldemort personally, then the girls are going to make you WISH that he had.
And, men do NOT hug and kiss other men. It's not dignified.
- Oliver




To: Oliver Wood
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Star Seekers

Do you really think the girls are going to get us?




To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Star Seekers

Hell. Yes.
- Oliver




To: Oliver Wood
From: Gred and Forge Weasley
Re: Re: Star Seekers

Our little Ollie has all grown up. We're so proud of you... cursing like that. It's just so... so... manly.
*sob* Where has our whittle captain gone? He's all big and grown and cursing now.
F&G




To: FRED and GEORGE Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Re: Re: Star Seekers

Oh, sod off! I've been up for the past eighteen hours with practice and press conferences, plus a game. You two twats are enough to drive Dumbledore into a cursing rant.
I'm amazed you've survived this long. Though, I'm sure Katie or Angelina will be taking care of THAT issue anytime now, if Harry doesn't himself.
Best of luck, chaps. You'll need it.
- Oliver.
P.S. Don't call me Ollie. It's 'Oliver'




To: Charlie Weasley
From: Gred and Forge Weasley
Re: Seeking Seeker Advice

After a brief discussion with our previous Gryffindor captain, we're seeking a second opinion.
How do we pacify the best Seeker our House has seen since you--our beloved older and wiser brother, and formerly Captain and Seeker of the team--left Hogwarts?
Oliver said not to piss Harry off, but well, too late! And you've seen Harry's last Mmail.
Got any advice to help us at least make it to the game?
Much brotherly love (and we'll even worship the ground you walk on),
- Gred and Forge




To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Re: Star Seekers

I'm appalled to say this but--concede the game. The idiot-duo has definitely gone too far this time!
Do you know, it took me 3 hours to get into my flat yesterday. 3 hours! And that's from the curb to the front door! Women were mauling me, all wanting to play with the bigger staff.
My testicles are bruised, and I probably won't be able to have children. All because I play bloody Quidditch. If it's this bad for me playing pro-Quidditch, I realize that it'll be much worse for you. I'm just starting to get recognition in our leading sport... you're the Boy Who Lived! Besides, I saw on the WWW that they're selling a limited edition calendar of you. You may have to hire bodyguards before you leave school!
Harry, if the twins don't concede the game--RUN!
- Oliver




To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team Ladies
From: Harry Potter
Re: The Weasley Bastards

Ladies,
I'm given to understand you have some... plans of revenge developed. Given my own personal viewpoints regarding this upcoming match, I'm asking to be allowed to participate in your onset of revenge.
Basically: If George and Fred are going to suffer, I wish to help deliver up their suffering. Profoundly.
As I'm sure you've been informed, all charms and attempts to preserve our modesty are now forbidden. I believe there is some internal... efforts in ensuring that we're as exposed as possible. Heaven knows, my bloody "fan club" is apparently preparing to market "The Naked Truth: Harry Potter Exposed" as a 2002/2003 academic calendar.
To put things mildly, I'm going to become an alcoholic if things don't get under control soon.
And it's all Fred & George's fault. I'm within an inch of calling up ol' Tom and joining forces.
Whattaya say, ladies?
Harry
The Unamused Seeker




To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender soon-to-be Finnegan
Re: Harry Potter 2002 Calendar

Ginny!
I just checked our WWW orders for the calendar, and we're sold out already! It's been listed for barely one week and we're sold out of 50,000 units!
Maybe we should arrange to run another 50,000... I've requests for the calendar to be licensed and marketed retail.
Your thoughts?
Lavender

---


Naked Quidditch Match: 3
by Anya




To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Dangerous circumstances

Albus:
I am very concerned about Harry Potter's mental state with regard to the upcoming Quidditch Match.
As you are no doubt aware, the Weasley twins have managed to put a magical wager in place, one that they unfortunately lost. The end result, the entire Gryffindor team must play the upcoming match in the buff.
Understandably, their teammates are not impressed, but I do not think anyone anticipated the depth of Harry's revulsion at this idea. To be honest, I cannot blame the poor lad.
His fan club, of which I am having difficulty identifying the founding members, has set up a mass marketing scheme for a print run of calendars featuring Harry's... play at the upcoming game.
Albus... the boy has threatened to join forces with Voldemort unless something is done! Help!
- Minerva




To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
Re: The Quidditch Match

Minerva, the bluff behind the school IS quite dangerous. Since the Forbidden Forrest is strictly forbidden, we may be able to invalidate the terms of the dare.
Besides, surely the Slytherin team will never agree to play there.
- Albus




To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: The Quidditch Match

Of course they're not going into the Forbidden Forest, you git! They're not playing IN the Bluff, they're dared to play starkers. Naked. Nude.
NOW do you see my problem?
Minerva




To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
Re: Re: Re: The Quidditch Match

Oh my. Well. I think our first priority is to establish the President of Harry's fan club. If they're to profit off of the calendar, a certain percentage should be returned to the school, do you not think?
I shall make a request of all staff for the identity of the club president.
- Albus




To: Harry Potter
From: Remus Lupin
Re: Harry Potter Fanclub information

Harry, the most alarming Mmail has been issued to me. I'm sharing this to you in confidence, son, as it's the least I can do.
Apparently, your fan club is planning to capture pictures from the upcoming game. I did not think this at all unusual until I found out the TERMS of the game.
Fred and George have certainly created a ruckus with this one, now haven't they?
Harry... there's no hope for the calendar, I'm afraid. McGonagall and Dumbledore have been unable to find the organizers or the methodology for how they will get the pictures. Obviously, cameras are strictly forbidden.
I've sent word to Sirius. This is the kind of thing that the Marauders are best suited for handling.
- Moony




To: Gryffindor Tower (all)
From: Harry Potter
BCC: Remus Lupin, Snuffles
Re: My Beloved Fan Club

It has come to my attention that my unauthorized fan club intends to produce and market my assets from the upcoming game.
Given the unlicensed aspect of this, plus the fact I am a minor, I feel it needful to point out that without my express consent, this is a form of assault. As such, I will have charges laid against anyone who owns a copy of this calendar, or aids in the production.
HOWEVER, given that this situation has already been blown completely out of control, my legal counsel has advised that should a proposal be made to me on my terms, I may license such an enterprise. At a profit to ME, people. You want your naked pictures, you can have them. But if I'm going to be splattered across Britain in all my natural glory then I want a cut.
- Harry




To: Harry Potter
From: Snuffles
CC: Moony
Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club

Harry, m'lad... that was ruddy brilliant. If you're going to be burned this bad, take it over and make it a statement in your favor.
Look, here's my take. You're not a bad looking boy, or Witch Weekly, Good Witchkeeping, and In Broomsticks wouldn't have you has the #1 eligible man in Britain. You consistently ousted Lockheart. (And I know what you think of that.)
Quidditch has built up your body. No, you're not as broad in the shoulder as that muggle Arnold, but you're enough to give a full grown man a few minutes thought before taking you on.
So. Here's my suggestion. In keeping with your ploy, let's get some professional shots done. I know a good photographer of high taste and great tact. Let's make this a media ploy IN your favor, rather than to humiliate you. Trust me, Harry, you can do this.
- Snuffles




To: Harry Potter
From: Remus Lupin
CC: Snuffles
Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club

Harry, I'm willing to bet you're freaking. I'm not one to do the testosterone display, but here's some words that may get you through this. A mantra, if you will.
"When you got it, flaunt it."
You've got the prowess in the game, you've got the admiration of the ladies, the respect of your peers, and I heard about that Mmail... 13.3 x 4.4, wasn't it? You can definitely take that to Gringotts!
- Remus




To: Tom Marvolo Riddle
From: Your Favorite Enemy
Re: Joining the dark side of the Force.

Tom, I've been thinking. Why should we be enemies? I've got the skills you're looking for in a Death Eater. And, while I won't do subservient, I think you could use a young, canny partner.
Whattaya think?
Harry Potter




To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Your Beloved Fan Club

Harry, I'm sure it will come as no surprise that I'm president of your fan club.
I'm ashamed to admit, that yes, we were planning to do a calendar, but... in recent seeing how much this is disturbing you, we're willing to scrap the project.
If we do scrap the project, will you at least make your unofficial fan club an official one?
Ginny




To: Harry Potter
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: My Beloved Fan Club

Potter! What do you THINK you're doing?! I want to see you immediately after class today!
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress




To: Harry Potter
From: Snuffles
CC: Moony
Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club

13.3 centimeters? Are you kidding me? And you're worried about WHAT again?




To: Padfoot
From: Moony
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club

Padfoot...
Please, stop trying to help. Thanks.
- Moony




To: My Most Hated Enemy
From: Lord Voldemort
Re: Your Mmail

How did you get my Mmail address, Potter?
That aside, I would rather see you dead than ever ally with you. Either you are my minion or my enemy.
L.V.




To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Fan Clubs

Ginny,
How COULD you? You know how I feel about celebrity. I didn't ask to be famous or want to be! I just want a normal life.
I won't authorize a fan club. BUT, before you go ballistic and vengeful, how about a compromise?
It's been pointed out to me that if I have to go down in flames, let them be flames of glory. I will agree to a calendar publication as long as:
a) They are professionally taken photographs
b) I have final approval; and
c) 25% of sales goes to a charity of my choice.
Agreed? Meet me tonight in the common room to discuss further.
Harry




To: Harry's Girls, Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley / Founder
Re: The Calendar

Hold onto your hats, ladies. While we will not be an official fan club, Harry has agreed (with terms) to the production of the calendar.
That's right. We're getting our naked Harry after all. All 13.3 cm of him. (And as Lavender pointed out, that's an unexcited 13.3 cm!)
I met with Harry earlier this evening and we worked out some details. The photographer will be arranged by Harry and paid for by Harry.
Harry is asking that a 25% cut go to the St. Mungo's Victims Unit. I think that's very reasonable. He is also going to arrange to undercut production charges and legal fees for marketing.
Is this man a prince or what?
- Ginny




To: Oliver Wood
From: Harry Potter
Re: A Wild little Idea

Listen, Oliver, this may sound nuts, but... I've got a plan.
Since the calendar can't be stopped, I'm making it into a charity thing. And, I'm arranging for professional photos.
What's this got to do with you? This. You're being mobbed by YOUR fans, right? While I won't pose WITH you, if you're gutsy enough to do this we can increase revenues (which are going to St. Mungo's Victims Unit) and make us look less like victims, and more like celebrities in control of the situation.
What do you think?
- Harry




To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Your Wild Little Idea

You're completely stark raving nutters. You know that, right? That said, it's a ruddy brilliant plan. My dignity is gone, so why not make the descent into madness look planned?
I'm in. And, taking a wild guess at what you're going at, I've sent feelers out to other 'young studs' of the Quidditch Leagues. Krum's in too, if you're interested.
- Ollie
"The Bigger Staff"




To: Oliver Wood
From: Harry Potter
CC: Viktor Krum
Re: The Calendar

Gentlemen:
Welcome aboard. I've arranged for photographer, Ms. Sally Mann. A very controversial American photographer/artist that has been highly recommended to me by Charlie Weasley.
The school has consented to allow us to use the grounds. At no charge, given the charity nature of the project.
If possible, I'd like to get the photos done before this bloody Quidditch match that I have to deal with. I want the market saturated with this product BEFORE the game as a distraction tactic.
How's Wednesday for you gents?
- Harry
P.S. Bigger Staff? *snort* Sorry, Ollie, we shared a locker room for too many years for THAT to wash. You're good. But you're not THAT good.




To: Tommy
From: Harry
Re: Minions

Quite okay, Old Chap.
I'll just take over.
- HP




To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Your Seeker
Re: The Game

Ladies and Bastards,
I want you to be aware of some of my recent... business ventures. First, my unofficial fan club plans for the calendar. You will be pleased to know that no photographs will be taken during the game.
All of the especially charmed Omnioculars (charm TM of my good friend Hermione Granger) have been given into my custody.
Secondly, a professional photographer will be visiting the school on Wednesday, and I have reluctantly agreed to go this route. Joining me for this calendar, although not at the same time or on the same page, necessarily, will be Oliver Wood (I'll pause for your gasps) and Victor Krum.
I realize that the Unholy Duo will be racing off at the mouth with this news, and I should forewarn them... I've already informed the Prophet, plugging the charity aspect of this venture.
25% of the proceeds for sale of the bloody calendar will be going to St. Mungo's Victims Unit.
I may have to go out there starkers, and I may have to put up with the slurs of the Slytherins and the giggles of my peers for the next two years, but by damn I'll have this mess enhance my reputation and not humiliate me.
As a good friend pointed out, "When you got it, flaunt it."
Ladies, with unabashed candor: You've got it.
Bastards, we're gonna make you look BAD.
And lastly, I have heard the rumors of an alliance between Voldemort and myself. I realize that I made the threat first. Be assured, there will NEVER be an alliance between Voldemort and I.
The Seeker




To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: The Photos

Harry, I've been thinking, can this photographer create an allusion to nudity without the full monty?
- Ginny




To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: The Photos

Why, Ginny...
Don't you want my full monty anymore?
Harry




To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: The Full Monty

Only if it's for a private showing. Very private.




To: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: There will be no Montage!

HARRY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING MAKING A PASS AT MY SISTER LIKE THAT?!
There will be no showings, private or otherwise, exclusive or whatnot of any Monty to my sister!
And Ginny... watch your language, or I'm telling Mum!
- Ron




To: The Prat
From: His Sister
CC: Harry Potter, Mum
Re: Montage

Dear Ron:
First, what are you doing snooping through Harry's sent files and trash? The Mmails I send, or he sends me are none of your business.
Second, regarding the CALENDAR, Mum knows about it. I told her myself like I promised Harry. And, she said it was very ingenious, but I should have taken Harry's feelings into consideration.
So, stuff it. And by the way, look up the word montage. You know, the library isn't an evil place.
Your vengeful little sister,
Ginny




To: Potter
From: Lord Voldemort NOT Tommy!
Re: Re: Minions

Are you threatening ME?
-LV




To: TOMMY!!!!
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Minions

Why, yes! Now that you ask.
Whatcha going to do about it? Kill me?
- Harry
"Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort!
I DiD, I DiD
I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort"





To: Ginny Weasley
From: Susan Bones
Re: The Calendar

Ginny, the Daily Prophet said Harry, Oliver Wood and Viktor Crum are ALL posing for the Calendar. Apparently, the photographer is a top-notch American woman and the shoot is to be sometime this week on Hogwarts grounds.
Do you know any more? Will we be able to WATCH the photo sessions? Just to ensure accuracy, mind you. Even if Harry has said he's generously proportioned, wouldn't you like to validate that?
Sassy




To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Fwd: Re: The Calendar

Hermione, I'd go ask Ron, but my big brother is over-sensitive about this subject. Do you know where they are doing the photos or how security is going to be done? I'm not asking to get a sneak-advance peak, but... well, that *would* be nice... still, I'm more concerned that Hogwarts Femmes will try and swarm the photo area.
Somehow, I don't think Harry will ever forgive me if that happens, and I really quite frankly DON'T want any other woman fondling his bits.
- Ginny




To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar

GINNY! Do you MIND? That's one of my best friends you're mentally molesting! I feel quite rightly nauseous!
HG




To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar

Excuse me, oh she who snuck pictures of my own brother in the buff? No matter, I'll just go talk with Ron...
G




To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Hermione Granger
Re: Re: Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar

Gin,
I'm dying here. Do stop. The photo shoot is Wednesday. Dumbledore and Flitwick are providing charms to shield the area, and Sally is using a very special professional camera.
If you want to come to the shoot, that's fine. There are charms being placed on Ollie, Viktor and myself so that only the camera sees us... err... you know.
Your brother is coming down with three dragons, we're doing a shot of "Quidditch" with us riding dragons. (Don't ask. Please? Apparently, it's a campaign for the more-humane-treatment-of-fantastic-beasts.) The dragons are enough of a spectacle to keep people's eyes off of my chums, and me don't you think?
And please, don't go spreading that news to my UNauthorized fan club. And Hermione? You're the one with the pics of Ron? You do know it's driving him UTTERLY insane to figure out, right? I mean, rightly nutters! What were you thinking?
- HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!





To: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Those damned pictures

I am NOT discussing this with either of you. And if EITHER of you tell Ron, I'll make sure he knows about the full content of your discussion two nights past.
- Hermione




To: Hermione Granger-Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Those damned pictures

My, my... hostile aren't you? Go ahead, tell Ron. I wonder what will distress him more, the candid nature of Ginny and my conversation about the calendar, or your subversive acquisition of a series of nude photos of HIM.
I'm given, from my sources, to understand such pictures were obtained from the men's locker room. That means you used MY invisibility cloak. And, if others were to find out, well... the outrage would know no bounds, Ms. Prefect!
- HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!





To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Have I mentioned?

I think I utterly love you... that was sheer genius! As for the photo shoot, I wouldn't miss it for the world. I do appreciate the spells being cast and will respectfully keep my distance. Do you suppose I'd be able to talk to Ms. Mann? I'd love to learn more about photography... without actually touching or looking through her camera, you understand.
Ginny




To: Harry Potter
From: Hermione Granger
CC: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Those damned pictures

That's blackmail Potter!




To: Hermione Granger-Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Re: Those damned pictures

Does look that way, doesn't it?
Kiss, kiss.
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!





To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Have I mentioned?

*lol* I'll talk to my friend who put me in touch with Sally. Perhaps after we guys are... done... and properly attired again you can have time to interview with her. The pictures will be ready almost immediately, and as I said, I get first right of refusal for the calendar layout.
Has the rest of the design been done?
- Harry
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!





To: Harry Potter
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Stuff

Err, Harry... listen, mate... you're scaring us. And why is Ginny grinning at us every time she sees us?
F&G




To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Stuff

Ginny's on the inside track. As for your fears: I've only just begun.
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!





To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Ask you how?

What do you mean you "Mocked Voldemort"? Doesn't everyone?
Gin




To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Ask you how?

No, I actually "mocked" Voldemort.
Hey, Gin... how would you feel about being my right hand when I conquer Voldemort and take over the Death Eaters? Create a new regime of utter evil. You're a Weasley, you've proven to be devious and ingenious... and you have past history in this area.
Whattaya think?
As for the mocking:
"I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort
I DiD, I DiD
I did tee a bid bad Moldiemort"
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!





To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: You DIDN'T?!

Harry! You DIDN'T?!
- Ginny




To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: You DIDN'T?!

I did. Why? What's the worst he can do? Jump up and down shrieking, "Kill him! Kill him!"?
- HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!





To: Lucius Malfoy
From: Lord Voldemort
Fwd: Re: Re: Minions

Malfoy!
KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
Your Lord & Master,
Voldemort




To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Red Right Hand

Good point. Here's a thought... want to have a series of T-Shirts or robes made up with the "I Tink I Taw" emblazoned on the back? It'd send Moldiemort through the roof!
- Ginny




To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Have *I* Mentioned?

I think I love you.
Who do you have that can pull such a project off?
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!





To: Harry Potter
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: What are you doing?

With our sister? She's just come to us with an offer. If we produce a series of robes that shimmer the following phrase:
"I Tink I Taw a Bid Bad Moldiemort
I DiD, I DiD
I DiD Tee a Bid Bad Moldiemort"

And if we do it at our cost, it will reduce the vengeance we're currently experiencing. Err, Harry, that shrinking potion will wear off in a week, right?
- G&F




To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Have *I* mentioned

You are SO good.
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!





To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: What are you doing?

Ginny and I are launching a very lucrative business relationship. And, as for the shrinking spell, that depends ENTIRELY on you two.
- HP
I Mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!





To: Ginny Weasley
From: Gred and Forge Weasley
Re: Robes

How many do you want?
Traitor.
Your Brothers




To: Gred and Forge Weasley
From: Ginny Weasley
BCC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Robes

You give me 25,000 units by week's end, with a reserve for another 25,000 after the next match, and I'll provide you with the antidote to your "little" problem.
- Ginny




To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Problem Fixed

Our sister is in cahoots with Potter. Downside: We have to produce some robes that openly make fun of Voldemort. We're still hoping we can make some sort of profit off this deal (WWW).
Upside, the sooner we produce 25,000 units the sooner our masculine glory is restored to us. So, stop researching potions, and get ready to sew, man.
US Not THEM




To: Harry Potter
From: Lord Voldemort
Re: Robes

What will it take to get you to pull those robes off the market, Potter?
WHAT IS YOUR PRICE?
- Voldemort
</span>

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Comments
From: aucuneraison Date: January 14th, 2007 03:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
haha, sally mann. (leave it to an art student to pick up on that reference.)
melakem From: melakem Date: September 23rd, 2008 03:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
This was hysterical! If you ever do more, I'd love to read it. Sally Mann? Good choice. I think a lot of people would have used Annie Liebovitz, (a talented woman, incredibly talented, but a ubiquitous choice when you need a name.) I'm so pleased to see Ms. Mann get some attention! The Tweetie Bird quote nearly made me spit tea on the keyboard! There are too many other things to reference as being over the top funny. I'd essentially be rewriting the whole thing. Just let me say that I'm incredibly grateful to have found out about this crazy piece of work! You've made my morning!
ibneko From: ibneko Date: September 24th, 2008 01:09 am (UTC) (Link)
Unfortunately, that was not my work. As stated at the top, it's archived from http://www.nodignity.com/freaks/nqm/nqm1.html...
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