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Archived: Nekkid Quidditch Match (complete) - IBNeko's Journal-Nyo~!
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Archived: Nekkid Quidditch Match (complete)

[from http://www.nodignity.com/freaks/nqm/nqm1.html and http://evilgoddss.livejournal.com/46125.html ]


Naked Quidditch Match: 4
by Anya





To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
Re: Moldiemort Robes



Mssrs. Weasley:
Could I request an additional three hundred units of your most excellent robes? Please send the invoice to The Registrar, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I will need the robes in the following sizes:
Small - 50 units
Medium - 150 units
Large - 100 units
Thank you kindly,
Albus Dumbledore






To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Gred and Forge Weasley
Re: Re: Moldiemort Robes



Sir,
In as much as we would like to take credit for the ingenious robes, I'm afraid that they are not of our product line. Our traitorous little sister has formed a most unholy and evil alliance with the Boy-Who-Mocked-Voldemort.
We will, of course, forward your request to the Evil Duo.
Regards,
Little Gred & Forge Weasley






To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Moldiemort Robes



Professor! What a most excellent name for the robes! In discussing with my CEO, we would be most happy to donate the 300 units to your cause.
Ginny Weasley
President, Moldiemort Inc.
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide







To: Moldiemort
From: Harry Potter
BCC: Ginny Weasley
Re: The Robes



You want the Moldiemort Robes off sale? Swear allegiance to me as your Lord and Master and serve as my left hand and we'll see.
- HP
CEO, Moldiemort Inc.
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide







To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: The Robes



WHAT? You're going to make him your Left Hand?!






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: The Robes



I'm right-handed, Gin.
CEO, Moldiemort Inc.
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide







To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Re: The Robes



Oh. *blush* Good point.






To: Harry Potter
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Things



Harry... first off, I'm trying very hard not to flip out. I'm given to understand from my "belittled" brothers that you and Ginny are teaming in a business affair. Okay, let's be honest, I take EVERYTHING those two say with a firm twist of salt. You and Ginny? Teaming? AFFAIR?
What the hell's going on? If you and my baby sister are...you know... I'm going to kill you!
- Ron






To: Ron Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Things



You git!
I sleep in the bloody same DORM as you. Why are you Mmailing me about all this?
- HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!







To: Harry Potter
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Things



Because I don't want to punch your bloody eyes out if you've not snogged my sister. And what do you mean YOU mocked You-Know-Who?






To: Ron Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: Things



Excuse me, but it's MY innocence you should be worried for. YOUR sister is a dangerous woman. Please note, she founded a very large (unauthorized) fan club, she proposed and found ways and people to prepare a calendar with images from the bloody game against Slytherin. You know the one, the one I have to prance around naked in?
That woman would jump my bones if I were not keeping watch out for my own safety! Somehow, I don't think I'm the predator, here, boyo!
As for Voldie...did you see the article on the front page of the Daily Prophet? THAT is Gin and my business relationship.
- HP
CEO, Moldiemort Inc.
A division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide







To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Your brother



I've taken a stance with your brother in order to:
a) keep my nose unbroken, and
b) get him off my back.
And, before you get wind of the details in my attempt to ward off a black eye let me provide some truths. Ginny, you are a very scary determined woman. I've always known this, but in the past two days of our business association, it's become clearer than ever that I could not wish for anyone better to aid me in my conquest of the Dark Wizards of the world.
- Harry
CEO, Moldiemort Inc.
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide







To: Harry Potter
From: Ron
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Things



Oh. See, that's why I Mmailed you rather than you know, punch first and ask questions after.
Ron






To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Your Brother



Oh, that's so sweet Harry. You're making me blush.
By the by, I am a predator?
Ginny






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Your Brother



Oh yes. Most definitely a predator.
Harry






To: Hermione Granger
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Harry and Ginny



Nuthin's going on. They're the ones behind the Moldiemort Robes. *huh* I wonder if this means Ginny's making some money off of the deal?
- Ron






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Fwd: Re: Harry and Ginny



I see you've bamboozled your brother(s).
HG






To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Fwd: Re: Harry and Ginny



Oh, no. That was all my liege lord and master's doing.
- G






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
Re: Re: The Robes



Ms. Weasley,
Your generous offer would be most appreciated.
Dumbledore






To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
Re: The Moldiemort Robes



Minerva,
I expect delivery of the robes early tomorrow. They are quite spiffing.
- Albus






To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes



If they don't get us all killed.
Minerva






To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
Re: Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes



Oh, come now, my dear McGonagall. What is the absolute worst Voldemort could do? Jump up and down shrieking: "Kill Them, Kill Them!"?
Besides, they are a snazzy looking item. I'm quite taken with the robes! They make a statement about Voldemort that empowers people against him.
- Albus






To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes



You know, Albus, it's all fun and games until someone gets the Killing Curse flung at them.
Minerva






To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Severus Snape / Potions Master
Re: Last Meeting of the Death Eaters



The old boy is definitely off his rocker. He spent most of the meeting jumping up and down shrieking, "Kill them! Kill them!"
Btw, do you know that Potter has Voldemort's owl-address? In the middle of a meeting an unmarked owl dropped off a package of Moldiemort Robes. I'm afraid the gift wasn't well received.
Severus






To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Picture Day



Tomorrow's the day, eh mate? Krum and I have been fiends in the gyms.
You seen any of those amazing robes around Hogwarts? I suppose that's Fred & George's little game. D'ya suppose I can get my hands on one? They're selling out like hotcakes!
- Oliver






To: Oliver Wood
From: Harry
Re: Re: Picture Day



No problem, mate. A robe will be here and waiting for you.
See you in the morning. BTW, Ginny Weasley will be around during the shoot, but I'm assured that the "no-disclosure" charms will keep our dignity intact.
Harry
CEO, Moldiemort Inc.
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide







To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Re: Re: Picture Day



Ginny Weasley, huh?
- Ollie






To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Harry and Ginny



So, they finally hooked up, huh?
And you let him live. I'd have never guessed that.
- Oliver






To: Harry Potter
From: Fred and George Weasley, Big Brothers
Re: Your unhealthy relationship with our sister



Potter:
It has come to our attention that your relationship with Ginny is not exclusively businesslike.
If you touch her at all, we will hunt you down and hex you until you're a walking advertisement for every product of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.
Sincerely,
F. & G. Weasley






To: Charlie Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Fwd: Re: Your unhealthy relationship with our sister



Charlie: I don't suppose you're bringing along any HUNGRY dragons with you? I know a few prats who could definitely be filling.
- HP
CEO, Moldiemort Inc.
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide







To: Harry Potter
From: Lord Voldemort
Re: Your Terms



I hate you Potter!
Lord Voldemort






To: Harry Potter
From: Charlie Weasley
Re: In-Ter-esting



Are you snogging my little sister? It's not that the family disapproves of you, you know. Mum would be THRILLED to have you as a son-in-law, eventually.
The problem is the wagers going around the Wizarding World. Ginny's unrequited adoration of you isn't quite a secret, y'know. There's some serious money involved now as to whether or not she'll nail you down.
- Charlie






To: Charlie Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: In-Ter-esting



You're NOT serious!
HP






To: Lord Moldiemort
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Your Terms



So, that's a "no"? That's okay, it's far more FUN this way.
BTW, Dumbledore's just ordered 300 Moldiemort Robes. Gee, I wonder what he wants them for? Hope you liked yours!
Hugs and Kisses,
Your Mortal Enemy
There once was a stinker named Voldie
His breath, it smelled kinda moldy
He's oh-so greedy
He's tried to kill me
But failed cuz his head is so hole-y







To: Harry Potter
From: Charlie Weasley
Re: Re: Re: In-Ter-esting



Dead serious. So? Are you snogging my sister? Do I need to change my bet?
- Charlie






To: Harry Potter
From: Molly Weasley
Re: Daily Prophet



Harry,
According to the Prophet your girlfriend "Virginia Weasley" will be attending the photo shoot.
Anything you'd care to explain, dear?
- Molly






To: Charlie Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: In-Ter-esting



You put in a BET that your own sister... that I... that we'd... snog?
CHARLIE! I'm appalled! Your own sister?!






To: Harry Potter
From: Charlie Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Re: In-Ter-esting



You HAVE met my sister, haven't you Harry? You don't stand a chance.
- Charlie






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Your Mother
Re: Daily Prophet



Ginny,
Hi dear. I hope you're doing well. How are your classes? Things have certainly been busy around here. I scarcely get time to sit down and read the Prophet in the morning over a cuppa.
Somehow, however, I do find time. In fact, just this morning I read a fascinating article in the Daily Prophet about the Harry Potter 2003 calendar. It's so nice to see all the serious effort you kids are putting into making this a classy affair. And, I think it's wonderful that Harry's giving all that money to the St. Mungo's Victims Unit.
However, the article seems to have made an innocent gaffe. Apparently, you're going to be at the shoot as Harry's girlfriend. Isn't that funny?
Tell me, dear. Is there anything you'd care to share with Mummy?






To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Oh, shoot!



My goose is so cooked. Have you SEEN the Prophet?
- Ginny






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Re: Oh, shoot!



Yes. Yes I have.
Just what are your plans for Harry?
- HG






To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Oh, shoot!



Well. I was thinking of seducing him.
- Ginny






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Re: Re: Re: Oh, shoot!



WHAT?!






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Lunch



Hey little sister,
How about meeting me for a nice big brother/little sister lunch today in Hogsmeade?
Since the photo shoot is today, and most of us have the Hogsmeade trip to go to while Harry and crew strips down to do their thing, I thought we should reconnect. We don't do things together often enough, do we?
- Ron






To: Hermione Granger
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Ginny



Have you seen my sister today? Tried to Mmail her for a lunch get-together and she's not yet picked up her mail or been seen. Any idear where she's at?
- Ron






To: Ron Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Ginny



I have an idea. Yes. Tell you when we get to Hogsmeade.
- Hermione






To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Harry. Ginny



Is it just me, or is it suspicious that on the day that Harry's doing the photo shoot for Naked Quidditch Calendar, that our little sister has gone missing?
- Ron






To: Ron
From: F&G
Re: Re: Harry, Ginny



Bugger.



---



Naked Quidditch Match: 5
by Anya





To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Re: Our Little Sister



Well?






To: Ickle Ronniekins
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Our Little Sister



Nothing. Nada. Zip.
She's probably in Hogsmeade already. Yeah. Like a regular Weasley would, leading us on to think she's snogging Harry, when actually she's laughing her ass off at us.
She'd do that to us.
-F&G






To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Re: Our Little Sister



Delusional, much?
Think back, dear brothers, to our sister's FIRST Valentines Day at Hogwarts.
Now, tell me, if you were Ginny, what would YOU do?
Drive your brothers insane with innuendo
Snog Harry, and drive your brothers insane.
Well?
- Ron






To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Lee Jordan
Re: Re: Our Little Sister



Just popped by the area of the photo shoot. Very secure, and Dumbledore himself said that only authorized people are allowed in, to protect Harry and crew's dignity.
Tell me, what kind of dignity can a man have if his bits are being splattered across hundreds of thousands of calendars for sales worldwide? What am I missing?
- Lee






To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Our Little Sister



Just a guess, but probably another 5 cm.
- Gred & Forge






To: Harry Potter
From: Snuffles the Adorable Grim
CC: Moony
Re: Photo-Daze



So, Harry, how'd it go?






To: Snuffles
From: R. Lupin
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Photo-Daze



They only just started taking pictures, you git. It's scarcely past morning tea. I expect this will be a near full day for Harry.
But, that's beside the point... the "Adorable Grim"? What kind of flowers ARE you sniffing?
-Remus






To: Moony
From: Snuffles the Adorable Grim
CC: My Godson
Re: Re: Re: Photo-Daze



What? I'm a cute dog. I have it on good authority!
Harry-- I'm not at all frightening, am I? I mean, I'm lovable as a stray mutt, right?
- Snuffles






To: Snuffles
From: R. Lupin
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: Photo-Daze



You're the size of a small pony, and you think you're a cuddly little fluff-ball? Obviously your meals have been laced with something lately.
- Remus






To: Moony
From: Snuffles
CC: Harry Potter
Re: PMS, Much?



Let me guess, it's that time of the month for you?
- Snuffles






To: Remus Lupin, Snuffles
From: Harry Potter
Re: PMS, Much?



Kids, each to your corner. I'm on lunch break and at the rate you're going, my Mmailbox will start sending me Howlers.
Snuffles: Ginny says that you're an adorable animal when you're clean. Since the last time you had a bath you were a free man....
Remus: Don't taunt the dog. He's not had his shots.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm prancing around in little more than a towel, I've just wolfed down some food. (No pun intended, Remus), and I'm off to do the dragon shot. Once today's done, I'm going down to Hogsmeade and getting utterly plastered on Butterbeers and Firewhiskey. Only then do I think I'll be able to blot out the memory of this day.
How DO I get myself into these situations?
Harry
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!







To: Harry Potter
From: Snuffles
CC: Moony
Re: Re: PMS, Much?



Hey, Harry,
How did you mock Voldemort?






To: Snuffles
From: Harry Potter
CC: Moony
Re: Re: Re: PMS, Much?



My last Mmail, then I'm back to posing all nekkid and stuff.
First, I sent my beloved enemy:
"Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort!
I DiD, I DiD
I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort!"
Most recently, however:
There once was a stinker named Voldie
His breath, it smelled kinda moldy
He's oh-so greedy
He's tried to kill me
But failed cuz his head is so hole-y
I'm thinking about doing a book of poems: Mockeries of a Dark Lord.
Snazzy title, hmm?
- Harry
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!






To: Harry Potter
From: Remus Lupin
CC: Snuffles
Re: Mockeries of a Dark Lord



If that doesn't kill him, I don't know what will.
- Moony






To: Harry Potter
From: Snuffles
CC: Moony
Re: Re: Re: Re: PMS, Much?



*sniffle* -- I love you kid. Really. Can I have an autographed copy?
Snuffles the Sniffling






To: Harry Potter
From: Lord Voldemort
Re: Re: Re: Your Terms



I loathe you, Potter.
L.V.






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Your Brothers
Re: Today



Where are you?






To: My Brothers
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Today



Obviously somewhere else. Mum says "Hi!"
- Ginny






To: Ron Weasley
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Lunch



Ron, what a lovely idea. I only wish I had received this Mmail say, yesterday. I've got plans today, brother dear, including lunch with Mum.
Maybe next time?
- Ginny






To: Harry's Girls
From: The President of the Unofficial Harry Potter Fanclub
Re: The Calendar



Photos have been going VERY well. The photographer is quite excellent, and the poses are simply stunning.
This calendar will be our BEST piece ever! The Harry Potter morning-wakeup call is peanuts next to this!
My sincerest thanks to all contributors for their artistic work, their quotations and more in putting this project together. It is a tribute to our love for our hero, and a fine statement to his sexiness.
With that in mind, it is with great regret that I resign from my position as President of Harry's fan club. This club represents some of the best years I've had at Hogwarts. I wish you much success in future endeavors.
- Ginny Weasley






To: Lord Moldiemort
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: Your Terms



*smooch*
Love you too!
HP
There once was a restored Dark Wizard
Whose fondness for others rested only in lizards
He was such a drag
That his conquest was bagged
And now he's just stranded out in a lonely blizzard.







To: Ginny Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Re: Lunch



I wish I'd known Mum and you were meeting for lunch. Next time, I *WILL* remember to Mmail a day before.
Thanks, Gin. We were all worried that you were hanging off of Harry while he's prancing around in the buff.
- Ron






To: Ron Weasley
From: Charlie Weasley
Re: Hey, you...



Why weren't you around for the photo-shoot? You could have had lunch with Mum, Ginny and I. Harry, understandably, made himself scarce for lunch. I'm amazed he's doing this with all the dignity he's shown thus far.
The charms to protect the guys' modesty are fantastic. It seriously looks like they're wearing the Moldiemort robes. Very cool. And, as for Harry, Sally says the camera is reporting him very deliciously. Poor git.
- Charlie






To: Charlie Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Re: Hey, you...



GINNY WAS WITH YOU AT THE PHOTO SHOOT?






To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Fwd: Hey, you...



Ginny was out gallivanting around with her nekkid hero. So much for her presumed innocence. Someone find a unicorn, hmm?
- Ron






To: Susan Bones
From: Lavender Brown
Re: Ginny's quitting!



Word is, Ms Weasley was snogging with Harry at the photo-shoot. I wonder if she managed to check out those measurements for accuracy?
Lavender






To: Parvati Patil
From: Padma Patil
Re: Ginny's Quitting!



Rumor has it she and Harry were seen snogging on the Quidditch Pitch... and he was 'dressed' for the photos! That might explain her sudden retirement, yes?
Your Sister






To: Colin Creevey
From: Padma Patil
Re: Ginny



Bad luck, squirt. Ginny IS involved with Harry. I guess this entire upcoming game has made him see her in a new light. Go figure. I thought HE was the one all exposed.
- Padma






To: Neville Longbottom
From: Colin Creevey
Re: Ginny & Harry



Who's going to tell HER brothers?
- Colin






To: Colin Creevey
From: Neville & Trevor
Re: Re: Ginny & Harry



Tell her brothers WHAT?!
Nev






To: Neville Longbottom
From: Colin Creevey
Re: Re: Re: Ginny & Harry



Oops. Harry and Ginny were getting it on on the Quidditch Pitch earlier today.
- Colin






To: Colin Creevey
From: Neville & Trevor
Re: Re: Re: Re: Ginny & Harry



NO WAY! I am certainly not brave enough to tell ANY of the Weasley's THAT one!
I like my nose unbroken!
Nev






To: Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas
From: Neville & Trevor
Re: Watch your P & Q's



Apparently, Harry has finally noticed the fair Weasley demoiselle. That means war between him and Ron once the Weasleys all find out about what was happening on the Quidditch pitch today.
Neville






To: Harry Potter
From: Dean Thomas
Re: YOU and GINNY?



Hey, man... just heard the news. Congrats. So, just how "get it on" did you "get it on" at the Quidditch Pitch today?
Dean
P.S. Ron will NEVER hear about this from me! It's in Gringotts, man.






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Padma Patil
Re: YOU and HARRY!



Oh my GOSH! I just heard about YOU and Harry! And on the Quidditch Pitch! So, tell me, is he all of those 13 centimeters? And, what DOES he look like under those robes?
You lucky girl! See, dreams DO come true!
- Padma






To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: The Quidditch Pitch



According to various people, I'm given to understand I jumped you or you jumped ME on the Quidditch Pitch. Where was *I* when this was going on?
Ginny






To: Ginny Weasley
From: The now-attired Harry Potter
Re: Re: The Quidditch Pitch



Damned if I know. The only thing that involves the words "on," "jump," and "Quidditch Pitch" that involves me and today was a dragon or three. Any other less bodily damaging activities seem to have passed me by entirely.
You do realize if your brothers get wind of the rumor mill, the Harry Potter Nekkid calendar will be produced posthumously. I hope you can put a good word in at my funeral.
- HP






To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Posthumous



Seems a pity, then... you going to your grave for snogging me (or more) and never having done the deed. Seems to me if you're going to be accused for something and judged you should at least have the fun of having committed the 'crime'.
- Ginny






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Posthumous



You busy tonight?


---



Naked Quidditch Match: 6
by Anya




To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Your Captains
Re: Today's Game



Ladies and Gents:
McGonagall recommends we meet in her office an hour before game time. She wants to ensure that the protection spells are on rightly, and read us a riot act. As well, she and Flitwick will escort us to the lockers safe from the prying eyes of Harry's adoring fans.
In other news, every Bludger will be aimed towards the Seeker for his snogging with our little sister.
Hugs & Kisses
(Or Slobbers & Gropes)
- Gred & Forge Weasley
Captains, Gryffindor House Team Extraordinaire.






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Katie Bell
Fwd: Today's Game



Sick 'em, babe. They're threatening your man.






To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Ginny Weasley
CC: Ron Weasley
Re: Fwd: Today's Game



Dear Prats:
Pray tell, how could Harry grope, snog or whatnot with me with our Mother and elder brother (Charlie) around? If you can explain this mystery to me, I'd be most delighted. Especially since *I* seem to be the person missing out on all the fun of said sexual mischief.
Oh, and if a single Bludger heads Harry's way, as directed by any one of my siblings, I'll make your life a living hell. First, with a conversation with Mum, and then in usual Weasley style. Apparently, the corrective potion for your 'little' problem gave you some big brassy balls. These too can be removed. Surgically.
Ever your loving, if vengeful sister,
Ginny






To: Harry Potter
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Re: Fwd: Re: Today's Game



Running behind Ginny's skirts, eh?






To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Fwd: Re: Today's Game



You poor saps. I think, in your quest to feel outraged over nothing, you've forgotten:
a) You put us in this predicament of a naked game.
b) The girls want your hide.
Don't look to me for blame. The ladies of our team aren't peeved at me, so if they choose to protect my interests...*shrug*. Of course, the way I see it, they've chosen to protect the school assets. As for your sister, Ginny's just instituting her rights to be protective of her potential claim.
What can I say, gentlemen? I have already sold 1.2 million calendars, sight unseen. I could have a field of Aurors out there (all female) to watch for... deviant game plays, so why would I run to Ginny for protection?
Harry






To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Idiots



Do stop before you get us all killed.
- RW






To: Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet
From: Humble and Pie
Re: We're sorry



Dear ladies,
We're very sorry for the horrid position we've put you in.
Honest.
Please don't kill us out there.
- F&G






To: Full o' !@#$
From: Katie Bell
Re: Re: We're sorry



Fred, George:
After six years of playing with you two, and what feels like centuries of knowing the pair of you, you don't think we're stupid enough to take that little last minute dig-out-of-your-grave seriously, do you?
For the record, Alicia spoke with Harry in the common room. He's howling with laughter, just keeled over and dying laughing at the stupidity of the pair of you. Honestly, given the security going on yesterday and the way he's run from your sister's overtures of adoration before, whatever gave you the idea that they were snogging during the 'shoot yesterday?
- The Girls






To: Katie Bell
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Re: Re: We're Sorry



It's all Lee's fault.






To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Katie Bell
CC: Lee Jordan
Re: Re: Re: Re: We're Sorry



Right. And we'll be sure to let HIM know of that.






To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Lee Jordan
Re: What the?



I stood by you prats! I've defended you, supported you, researched potions (blah!) for you, and took risks for you! And THIS is how you repay my loyalty!
Just remember, old boys. While you're out there PLAYING today, I'm the one in the commentator's booth. And I'll GET you for this.
- Lee






To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From: Your Captains
Re: The Game



We had a second thought. Want to concede the game?






To: Our Captains
From: The Girls
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: The Game



Oh, HELL no!






To: My Dear Captains
From: Harry Potter
CC: The Girls
Re: Re: The Game



Perish the thought! Gryffindor concede to the Slytherins? What WOULD Oliver say?!
- HP






To: Our Family
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Our Last Will and Testament
Attach: GF_will.doc (30 K)



Dear Family:
We're doomed. Please find attached our Last Will & Testament. Think kind thoughts of us at our funeral, if there's enough of us left to bury.
F&G






To: Lord Voldemort
From: Harry Potter
Re: Our Last Mmail



Hey Tom,
Haven't heard from you lately. Hope you're keeping okay. How are my Death Eaters? I've got a bit of a big match to play today, but I intend to come down with my Second In Command and inspect the troops shortly after.
Just to keep you up-to-date on my modus operandi:
a) Take over the Ministry
b) Imprison all Opponents in Azkaban (that's you, Tom)
c) Insert my new world order
Please insert a physical exercise regimen for the troops. And, I'd like IQ testing done. I need people with quick reflexes and quicker wits. All others will join you in Azkaban.
Hugs & Kisses,
Harry






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Moldie



Haven't heard from ol' Tom lately. I suspect he's planning to attack today's match.






To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Moldie



I'll take care of that. I think a stadium full of Moldiemort robes, and the advertisements for Mockeries of a Dark Lord on the Wizard-view will be enough to throw him off his game. But, just in case, I'll see about having Charlie get those three dragons to fly about on a patrol sweep.
- G






To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Lord Voldemort
Attach: mock_ads.zip (100 K)



Professor:
As we have developed and marketed recent inspirational materials (Moldiemort Robes, and our newest product Mockeries of a Dark Lord due for release in hardcover next month), we have received many threats from Lord Voldemort. While hollow in nature, and really quite trivial, we do believe a potential "retaliation" of Moldie with his unhygienic Death Eaters may disrupt the game.
Given the passion we Gryffindors have for our sport and our team, I would like to make a few suggestions as to how to prevent ol' Moldie from causing any problems.
A) A prevalent display of Moldiemort robes would cause him much anguish and frustration, possibly throwing him off his game.
B) The attached magical slide-show advertising the upcoming book, Mockeries of a Dark Lord, will also cause him much emotional grief.
C) Dragon sweeps. We have three on the premise, complete with trained riders. Sweeps of these creatures will disrupt the magical fields and stability needed for the Death Eaters to apparate with structure.
Any other defenses you may determine needful would also be welcomed, but the above are easily incorporated and will definitely give Tommy some emotional trauma that should give us an advantage.
Best regards,
G. Weasley


---



Naked Quidditch Match: 7
by Anya





To: Lucius Malfoy
From: The Dark Lord of Sith
Re: Potter



Malfoy, I expect your attendance upon me within the hour. A situation has arisen that requires immediate attention. Potter has decided to branch further into other marketing aspects of our conflict, and yet no licensing authority has come from my lawyers.
I want this boy STOPPED! He's making a fool of us all!
Lord Voldemort
Dark Wizard
Grand Order of Sith






To: lestrange@azkaban.com
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: "Dark Lord of Sith"



The old boy has been watching the "Star Wars" trilogy again. Damn Muggles. It's obviously rattled his brains some more. Now he's the "Dark Lord of Sith" If he starts wearing a black shiny mask and breathing heavy, I'm outta here.
Anyway, we have a small legal situation on the horizon. Problem being, our Master has killed off all the lawyers we've hired to represent him. Any suggestions?
Good luck with the Dementors! Hope you've got that drool problem under control.
- Lucky






To: Lord Voldemort
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: Re: Potter



Master, I have made some inquiries with regards to the legal ramifications. We could put a block on any future merchandise sales, but to do this, you MUST NOT KILL OFF THE LAWYERS! At least, not the ones who are representing your cause.
Please Master, I know they're all annoying evil gits, but... just this once, please don't just A-K them immediately upon their fee statement!
Ever your loyal and obedient servant,
- Lucius Malfoy






To: Harry Potter
From: Severus Snape / Potions Master
Re: Merchandising



Potter:
The Dark Lord is hiring a lawyer to block all sales of your product line. FYI.
- Professor Snape






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Severus Snape / Potions Master
Fwd: Re: Merchandising



Ginny, I've contacted Legal, and they are pretty sure they can counter any block Moldiemort tries to put in place. They recommend, however, we avoid any physical characterizations of Ol' Tom, and ensure that we do not list "Lord Voldemort" by name in any of our reproductions to ensure consistency.
I assured them this wasn't a problem. So, in that vein, could you remove the last sonnet in "Mockeries of a Dark Lord" before it goes to print? And are we almost ready to release the calendar for sale? I'd like to get more on the market before anything goes to court. That way, Tommy loses more and more legal ground.
Oh, and please, have the twins send our illustrious Professor Snape a complimentary Moldiemort robe.
- HP






To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
CC: Severus Snape / Potions Master
Re: Fwd: Re: Merchandising



Harry:
1) I've notified the twins Re: Legal's advice.
2) Removed the last sonnet. I'm keeping a copy in my private edition, mind you.
3) Calendar is GORGEOUS! And, effective 10:00 hours, it goes on sale. Do keep in mind, pre-release sales have this unit 70% sold out. Immediate delivery has been scheduled, so it's safe to say for those who have already bought a copy, they'll have it in their hot drooling little hands at 10:01 hours.
4) One complimentary set of Moldiemort robes, with the anti-wear charm to protect against any students spraying a damaging potion on them have been sent to our brilliant Potions Master.
Good luck with the game today, Harry!
Ginny






To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Sucking Up



Was that enough? Do you think he'll be all puffed, peacocky and leave us the bloody hell alone in class for a few days?
- GW






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Sucking up



We can only hope. You'll be at the game today?
HP






To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Sucking up



With bells on. Have I complimented you on your excellent physique, yet? I had to put the calendar down and start fanning myself. My goodness, Harry...
Ginny






To: Harry Potter
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Calendars



Potter:
Before you investigate the records of sales, I have purchased one of your calendars for my niece. I don't suppose you would be so courteous to autograph it, would you?
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress






To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Calendars



Professor:
Even though a part of my fragile ego cringes at this entire... calendar episode, I would be delighted to autograph your copy. I can have it sent to you with autograph already on it before delivery begins, sparing you (and me) the embarrassment of tracking me down to sign.
To whom should it be autographed?
Harry






To: Harry Potter
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: Re: Calendars



Potter:
I thank you for your consideration. I quite agree that having to get the calendar autographed after delivery would be embarrassing for all parties involved.
It should be personalized to: "Minnie" and any references to Minnie as a kitten are all fine.
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress






To: Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Fwd: You Won't Believe This



Come on, now truthfully, are you BUYING the niece thing?
- HP






To: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Fwd: You Won't Believe This



Oh dear heavens! I have Transfiguration this morning! How will I sit in her class and NOT break into giggles!
- HG






To: Harry Potter, Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Fwd: You Won't Believe This



Harry...
She wants you. Surely you can milk a good grade out of that!
Ginny
"Don't TOUCH the merchandise! Hands off! Back, you madwomen! Back!"
- O. Wood, Witch Weekly Vol 11330, Issue 320






To: Harry Potter
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Your Game Today



Good luck today, mate. To perk you up on this deplorable event, I was watching the Wizard Broadcast and they covered a section Re: the calendar. I think it's safe to say, it's a smashing hit. And, the photographer was utterly amazing. Not one commentary has referred to it as anything but artistic, graceful, amazing, awesome and a 'true appreciation of fine male physicality'.
I think you're safe. Strut your stuff, Potter. And make Malfoy look BAD.
- Ollie
Nekkid Partner in Crime






To: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender Brown
Re: Calendars Orders



Harry, I was just finalizing all the orders for immediate delivery before I nip down to brekkie. The charms are all set, owls loaded, and everything is ready to rock and roll like clockwork.
As I reviewed the sales list, a couple of alarming purchases leapt up to grab me.
First: Draco bought a copy. If he tries to 'grab' anything on the field, I doubt it'll be the Snitch. Make sure you're guarding the jewels, Harry. Or Ginny will eviscerate Malfoy.
Second: Lucius Malfoy bought a copy. Clearly, the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.
Third: Tom Riddle bought a copy. Now, if I were you, I'd be very afraid!
- Lav






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Breakfast



Just heading down to the Great Hall in a moment. You up to join me in a bite?
Harry






To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Breakfast



I'd like some sausage, yes.






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Breakfast



Evil woman!






To: Lavender Brown
From: Ginny Weasley
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Calendar Orders



Lavender, could you grab those three copies and stop them from going out? I want them to be personalized in a very special way for these three special customers. I'll discuss this further with Harry at breakfast. I'll grab the units from you on my way down.
- Ginny






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender Brown
Re: Re: Re: Calendar Orders



You got it, girlfriend!






To: Lord Voldemort
From: Harry Potter
Re: Your Calendar Order
Attach: StupidGit.dld (5 MB)



Dear Tom:
Please click on the below link to receive your "Naked Quidditch" calendar, featuring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I've personalized the copy.
Enjoy!
Harry






To: Draco Malfoy
From: Harry Potter
Re: Your Calendar Order
Attach: LilWanker.dld (5 MB)



Dear Draco:
Please click on the below link to receive your "Naked Quidditch" calendar, featuring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I've personalized the copy.
Enjoy!
Harry






To: Lucius Malfoy
From: Harry Potter
Re: Your Calendar Order
Attach: Wanker.dld (5 MB)



Dear Lucky:
Please click on the below link to receive your "Naked Quidditch" calendar, featuring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I've personalized the copy.
Enjoy!
Harry






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Ron Weasley
CC: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Today's Game



Ginny, I didn't mention this at breakfast because I didn't want to start a public row. I don't think you should go to the game today. It's going to be quite risque and terribly inappropriate for a young lady like yourself.
- Ron






To: Ron Weasley
From: Ginny Weasley
CC: Fred and George Weasley
Re: Re: Today's Game



At the personal invitation of Harry Potter, I will be at the game. I even have a reserved seat.
Given that I am one of the producers of the "Naked Quidditch" calendar, I really don't think that there is any 'more' of Harry that I can see while he's riding a broomstick. The only trauma I may experience is seeing my twin brothers out there in all their glory.
I've got to drop a package off to McGonagall, so I'll ask for assistance to prevent my not-so-naive eyes from seeing things best left unseen.
- Ginny






To: Hermione Granger
From: Ron Weasley
Re: Today's Game



You're not going, right?
- Ron






To: Ron Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Re: Today's Game



Of COURSE I'm going. Aren't you? You can sit with Ginny and me.
- Hermione






To: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Ronald Weasley



In furtherance to our conversation, I agree that perhaps Ron Weasley is best left sedated until the game is over. His catatonic state of being this morning is not a good indicator that he can watch the game without a complete nervous breakdown. Poor boy.
- Minnie


---

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