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Archived: Nekkid Quidditch Match (complete) - IBNeko's Journal-Nyo~!
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ibneko
Archived: Nekkid Quidditch Match (complete)

[from http://www.nodignity.com/freaks/nqm/nqm1.html and http://evilgoddss.livejournal.com/46125.html ]


Naked Quidditch Match: 8
by Anya





To: Lord Voldemort
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: Legal Issues



My lord, the courts have rejected your claim that Moldiemort robes are a slandering violation of your civil rights.
Worse, the Wizard Live Broadcast of the upcoming Gryffindor / Slytherin game has indicated that nearly all spectators are planning to wear the robes in support of their hero, Potter. Further the overhead banner of the announcing booth will have promotional material for the robes alongside "The Naked Quidditch" calendars and a new product that I fear will truly not please you.
Something called "Mockeries of a Dark Lord." Again, the courts claim you do not have exclusive rights to the phrase "Dark Lord" and it is a vague enough term for any of history's predominant dark wizards.
And, yes, before you ask, I killed the lawyers representing your interest.
Lucius Malfoy






To: Peter Pettigrew
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: Our Master



I daresay that he'll start foaming at the mouth anytime now. Watch him closely, Peter. I've got our people organized to run an assault during the game. I'll let you know how it goes before reporting to Him. If things fall apart, give him some calming potion.
Lucius Malfoy






To: Lucius Malfoy
From: Peter Pettigrew
Re: Re: Our Master



So much for being "Lucky". Our Frothing Lord is intending to lead the assault.
Was nice knowing you, Malfoy! Happy trails in hell!
PP






To: Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Game Time



Hey, Padfoot -- I'm about to Apparate over to Hogsmeade for the game. You up to meeting me outside the Three Broomsticks before heading up to Hogwarts?
Moony






To: Moony
From: Padfoot
Re: Re: Game Time



Will you give me a bowl of Butterbeer?
- Woof






To: Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Butterbeer



You lush. You'd think you'd not had Butterbeer in a decade.
- Moony






To: Moony
From: That Puppy in the Window
Re: Re: Butterbeer



I haven't had Butterbeer in a decade! They don't exactly serve fine cuisine in Azkaban. Moldy bread, rancid water, etc. That's their menu.
I reckon, I don't rightly remember WHAT Butterbeer tastes like, after so long of being wrongfully imprisoned.
- Poor Hard-done by Padfoot






To: Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Guilt-trips



You always were a master of the Guilt Trip. Damn those puppy-dog eyes of yours. Fine. I'll buy you some Butterbeer.
- Moony






To: Moony
From: Padfoot
Re: Re: Guilt-trips



You love me. You really do. *sniff*






To: Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Re: Re: Guilt-trips



Only in your better dreams. Now, get your tail-wagging arse in gear and get over here.






To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Charlie Weasley
Re: Game Time



Dragons are in place. I must admit, I'm delighted my little sister thought of this idea. I had no idea that she was so well trained in understanding the capabilities of defensive dragon stratagems.
Looking forward to the game today. And man, am I EVER glad that I never had a match like this!
- Charlie Weasley






To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
Re: Games & Calendars



I am to understand by the glazed look in students' eyes that the calendars were issued promptly this morning. I must admire Weasley and Potter for their strategy. Attention on the game today will have been lessened by the presence of this calendar.
I have heard from Severus today. He feels Harry and his associates have an unfair advantage. It appears a few members of his Quidditch team have also received copies of the calendar and are incredibly distracted. I agreed to speak to you regarding postponing the game.
Your thoughts?
Albus






To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Game



No. Way. In. Hell.
I want to see my boys at play!
- Minnie






To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
Re: Re: Game



Minnie: You. Gutter. OUT!






To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: Re: Game



Oh, dear. Sorry. Backslid for a moment there. It shan't happen again, Professor.
All the same, with all the charms, protections and other lengths we have gone to for this game, I am not in favor of postponing.
- Minnie






To: Severus Snape / Potions Master
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: The Game (TODAY!)



Severus, we are still on for today's game. I trust your boys and girls are ready for the game and focused on the task at hand.
Yours,
Minerva






To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Severus Snape / Potions Master
Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!)



Minerva,
Are we not taking inter-house rivalry a little far? My team is certainly not ready, as there's something other than the game that they want to have in hand.
SS






To: Severus Snape / Potions Master
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!)



Nice implied statement. Very slick.






To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Severus Snape / Potions Master
Re: Re: Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!)



Not so bad yourself, Minnie. Regardless how the game turns out, do you want to go down to Hogsmeade after and celebrate our survival of this farce?
SS






To: Severus Snape / Potions Master
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!)



Only if you're up to it, old boy! Only if you're up to it. *wink*
- Minnie






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Padma Patil
Re: Game time (soon!)



Ginny, if you're still around and not down at the pitch, do you want to go down with us HP fans?






To: Padma Patil
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Game time (soon!)



Can't. Gotta go down with my man (right now!) and 'support' the team.
Ginny






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Calendars



Hey Ginny,
Can you bring my copy of the now infamous "Naked Quidditch" pictures down to the game? I'd rather not have them delivered by owl post. My 'fans' would likely filch them. Amongst anything else they can find to get their mangy grasping paws on.
But, hey... I'm not bitter. Just bruised.
I'll see you at the game!
- Oliver






To: Oliver Wood
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Calendars



Ouch, Oliver. You have *got* to hire some bodyguards! If it makes you feel any better, you'll always be safe around me.
I've got your pictures, all nicely bundled up and innocuous. Glad you mmailed me when you did. I almost sent them out!
I'm heading down to McGonagall's office with Harry in just a moment. The team is having a "don't kill each other" session with our fearless Head. So, I'll be down at the pitch bright and early. Harry's reserved a great seat for Hermione and me.
BTW, unit sales of the calendar are at 92%. We were 70% sold before the product went live, and sold an additional 22% in less than two hours. I think it'll be sold out by the time the game's over.
Dennis Creevey has volunteered to monitor the sales while the game is on. He says he can't bear to be out there watching all sorts of 'bits flying about'.
GW






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Oliver Wood
Re: Re: Re: Calendars



Oh, I bet I'm safe around you. It's not my body you're so fond of ogling, now is it?
- Oliver






To: Oliver Wood
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Re: Calendars



Be nice, Ollie. I do have all of the original photos and negatives after all. I'd *hate* to have to blackmail you into good behavior and less innuendo.
Even if what you're implying is true. And more importantly, my ogling object is now mine. All mine. Bwahahahah. Urr. Sorry.
Gin






To: Lord Voldemort
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: Today's Assault



Master,
May I humbly request that you allow us to make the attack on the upcoming Hogwarts Quidditch Match on your behalf? Let us endeavor to bring this victory to you.
Potter has been too cocky in his recent assaults, Master. I do not wish to endanger you in something that is most assuredly a trap.
Please Master. Stay home. Watch your Star Wars tapes. Again.
- Lucius Malfoy






To: Lucius Malfoy
From: The Dark Lord
Re: Re: Today's Assault



Potter stands no chance against me. I am VOLDEMORT! DARK LORD OF THE SITH!
No force of goodness may stand against me. I shall emerge from this battle victorious! There is only the darkness!
VOLDEMORT
DARK LORD OF SITH






To: Draco Malfoy
From: Daddy
Re: Today's Game



Son,
The 'Dark Lord' has snapped. He's completely off his rocker. Looney as they get. Nutters. Just thought I should let you know. He's planning to attack at today's game, and I'm almost certain this will blow up in all our faces.
I think it's time for the Malfoy family to switch teams, if you know what I mean.
With love,
Daddy






To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Game Time



Hey Hermione (Harry beside me says "Hi!")
Just heading down now. Meet you down there in a few!
G & H






To: Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Out of Curiosity



Why is Harry in your dorm, Ginny? And are you aware your brother has gone completely catatonic?
- Hermione






To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Out of Curiosity



Which brother? I have so many with so many reasons to go catatonic. Most having something to do with things I've done to them. Anyway, it's hard to know which brother has snapped with a vague statement like that. Could you be more specific?
And, Ms. Manners, mind your own business. We're having a post-breakfast business meeting, if you must know.
G & H






To: Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Re: Re: Out of Curiosity



Business meeting, my arse. Post-breakfast, Pre-game snog. And, your brother RON has gone catatonic. Is that specific enough?
In fact, he's foaming at the mouth. Rather like you were after the measurements for Harry were publicly released by, oh yes, Harry. D'ya suppose your brother is GAY?
- Hermione






To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Re: Out of Curiosity



Wouldn't you be the expert on my dear brother's... preference? Besides, no, I don't think he's gay. Unlike Draco Malfoy (and the Malfoy family) he didn't order a calendar.






To: Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Draco



EEEEEP! That's so... so... SICK!






To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred and George Weasley
Re: About that last email...



We're sorry, Lee. Shouldn't have blamed you. How can we make it up to you, ol' buddy, ol' pal, ol' friend?
- F&G






To: Fred and George Weasley
From: Lee Jordan
Re: Autoresponder / (Re: About that last email...)



Sorry, I'm not available at present to take your message. Today is the long awaited Gryffindor Naked Quidditch Match, and as the commentator for Quidditch Sports at Hogwarts, I'm needed for stadium broadcast setup.
Hope to see you at the game! Come out and show your team your support!
And if you're Fred / George Weasley... vengeance is mine.
Lee Jordan






To: My Loyal Death Eaters
From: Lord Voldemort
Re: Mobilization of our Forces against Potter!



My loyal Death Eaters,
Now is the time to wage an assault against Dumbledore and Potter. I want every person wearing those robes tortured, crucified and killed. I want them pounded into the ground. I want them pummeled, pulverized, gutted, eviscerated, gouged, crucified, gored... I want them DEAD!
I trust you get my point.
We attack as soon as the balls are in the air.
Lord Voldemort






To: The Dark Lord, The Gang
From: Vinnie Crabbe
Re: Re: Mobilization of our Forces against Potter!



Master,
Given the number of balls that will be flying, which specific one has to be in the air before we attack? Potter's, or the Quidditch balls?






To: sales@moldiemort.com
From: C. Fudge
Organization: Ministry of Magic
Re: Robes



I'd like to order three robes, XL size. And, could I also request two of "The Naked Quidditch" calendars?
Orders should be billed to:
Minister of Magic
Wizard Government Building
London England






To: C. Fudge
From: sales@moldiemort.com
Organization: Moldiemort, Inc.
Re: Re: Robes



Dear Minister Fudge:
Thank you for your order.
Units   Size   Description   Unit Price    Total
=====   ====   ===========   ===========   ========================
3       XL     Moldiemort    50 Galleons   150 Galleons
2       --     NQ Calendar    2 Galleons     4 Galleons

-------------------------------------------------------------------
                               Subtotal:   154 Galleons
                               Tax (3%):     4 Galleons, 60 Sickles

                              Balance Due:   158 Galleons, 60 Sickles



Units will be delivered immediately.
Best regards,
Moldiemort, Inc.
Watch soon for our newest product: "Mockeries of a Dark Lord", a cynical and humorous portrayal of evil via prose, limericks and other fun literary works.






To: sales@moldiemort.com
From: C. Fudge
Organization: Ministry of Magic
Re: Re: Re: Robes



Thank you for the information. Is it possible to pre-order "Mockeries of a Dark Lord"?
Oh, and do you have a discount for government employees?
- C. Fudge






To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse
Re: Ron Weasley



The boy has been sedated, poor soul. I'm leaving some wards about him now just as I nip down to the game. He should stay 'out' until at least late this afternoon.
I do hope your team knows their protective spells. Nasty business, naked quidditch!
Poppy






To: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: Ron Weasley



And of course, you're only nipping down to the game 45 minutes before it starts for the welfare of the students.
- Minnie






To: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
From: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse
Re: Re: Re: Ron Weasley



But of COURSE I'm only going to ogle for the sake of the students. See you in a few!
Poppy






To: Peter Pettigrew
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: Re: Re: Our Master



Crabbe is a blundering idiot. Now the Master is hell bent on being there to ensure that we chase the right balls.
I've tried EVERYTHING to stop him. I've begged, I've pleaded, I've grovelled, I've even flattered him outrageously. Isn't there anything you can do, Wormtail? Can't you hex him or SOMETHING?
So Very Un-Lucky






To: Rita Skeeter
From: M. Stuart
Organization: Witch Weekly, Inc.
Re: NQM
Attach: Passes1.tif (57 K)



Rita, your passes are attached. These will permit you and your photographer access to the game. We have been sent legal notice that any and all photos taken must be approved by the Gryffindor House Team, and the negatives must be surrendered to Prof. Albus Dumbledore.
Please don't infringe on the legalities. PLEASE. Or, they WILL have a valid lawsuit against us. And keep your Quick-Quotes Quill to yourself! The utter bare facts, Rita. No pun intended.
M. Stuart
Editor in Chief
Witch Weekly, Inc.






To: All Gryffindors
From: Dean Thomas
Re: Play Ball!



Hope everyone's set for the game. I know our team is ready to bedazzle the school with what a Gryffindor is made of. Let's get down there, and show our support.
Girls, do the boys a favor and try not to giggle. Boys, do the girls a favor and don't drool at the femmes of our team. Let's show the Slytherins that what's going on in the game has more to do with Snitches, Bludgers and whatnot than with breasts and balls.
- Dean






To: Dean Thomas
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: Play Ball!



How utterly inspiring, Mr. Thomas. See me after the game.
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress


---

Or Part 9, as things really go…
Naked Quidditch Match: Game Time:

"Welcome Hogwarts alumni, professors, peers and exalted guests to the long awaited match between Gryffindor's amazing Quidditch team and Slytherin's abysmal..."

"JORDAN!" McGonagall bellowed.

"Err... Slytherin's opposing team." Lee shot the professor a shrug. "As many of you are aware... at least, anyone literate so I can't speak for the Slytherins... this match today will be absolutely unique. Due to the utter foolishness of the co-captains of the Gryffindor team, the players in fourth form and upwards will be playing in the buff. Hence the packed crowd. I daresay, glancing over the crowds around me, you're all either hankering for a look at our luscious lady-chasers or awaiting Harry Potter's masculine wonder."

"JORDAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Professor... it's not like nearly everyone here HASN'T bought one of those calendars...." Lee protested in an aside.

"Stay focused on the game, Jordan. Not the uniforms."

"Or lack thereof." Lee smirked.

"Or lack thereof." McGonagall nodded, her face set in a severe disapproving frown. "Stick to the facts, Jordan. Ungarnished. Advise of the security methods so the fans don't panic at the sight of dragons."

Lee rolled his eyes, but lifted his wand again. "Before the game commences, I would like to advise all our viewers of some necessary security precautions. Occasionally, you will see dragons flying high overhead. These are Dragonguards, not wild dragons that just happened to visit our field full of lush human bodies."

"JORDAN..."

"In addition, because of a suspected danger of You-Know-Who's forces attacking, we've done much to antagonize the ol' git into a full fit of incompetence. Most of you were encouraged to wear the Moldiemort robes, a fine line of product from Moldiemort Inc., a company headed by Harry Potter as CEO, and his lovely right hand Ginny Weasley, of the Weasley family, as his Executive President. This company is offering many wonderful items, with new material coming out in the upcoming days. Many of you already have "The Naked Quidditch" calendar, featuring the likes of Oliver Wood, our own former Gryffindor captain and team keeper, and Victor Krum, the sensational seeker from Bulgaria. The star attraction, however, is Harry Potter in all his natural glory! More of which you'll all have the privilege to see today. And the boy is slick, ladies. "

"JORDAN! STOP PROMOTING.... " her voice trailed off as she searched for a tactful way to explain her demands.

"Harry's assets?" Lee asked innocently.

"Yes." She glared fiercely.

Jordan coughed discretely. "In any case, the promotional items and banners while they may entice you into purchasing are more to distract attention of any malevolent sort. Aurors are strategically placed around the fields, stadium and school, and the charms in place are enough to knock any nasty Dark Wizard right on his tail. In the event of an assault, please do not panic and allow the defensive wizards, dragons and charms do their work."

Out of the corner of his eyes, he watched McGonagall sigh in relief, and smirked to himself. It was just so fun goading their stern deputy headmistress with the innuendo and side comments.

"Now, before players take the field, the roster for today's game is as follows:
For the Gryffindor team: Co-Captains, and Bludgers...err Beaters Fred and George Weasley, the prats who got our beloved heroes in this mess..."

"Jordan, I'm warning you..." McGonagall growled lowly, yet the entire stadium still heard her.

"Chasers for Gryffindor are the lovely and talented Alicia Spinnet, Angelina Johnson and the unconquerable Katie Bell..." The cheers and whistles rocked the stadium. "New to the team, and welcome addition is third-year Alex Mercado as Keeper, who, due to the restrictions on the bet gets to guard the goals in his uniform." Laughter and applause sounded clearly, and in true style, the crescendo was rising. "And, seeker-extraordinaire, the man who has NEVER missed a snitch, the one..." The screams began, " The Only", and whistles, hoots and chants echoed, "HARRY POTTER" The roar of the stadium was deafening.

Just to his side, he heard McGonagall's resigned sigh. Well, what commentator would ignore the fact that not only was Harry a celebrity to the wizarding world, he was a Quidditch super-star in the making. Goodness, he had his own promotional merchandise to make him a very wealthy man before he even graduated.

Lee paused long enough to let the cheers fade somewhat. "And, the Slytherin gits..."

"JORDAN!" Goodness, the woman had impeccable timing and volume.

"Team." He amended hastily. "The Slytherin team is as follows, Captain and Chaser Marcus Flint." Music to his ears, short of the small contingent of Slytherins (past and present), most of the stadium roared with resounding 'boos'. "Chasers Denis Warrington, Christoph Montague. In the position of Beaters, though they're bloody Bludgers on their own, Iggy Bole and Gunter Derrick. Incompetent Keeper Bletchly will mind the goals, and playing Seeker since he bought his way onto the team...

"JORDAN! STOP THAT RIGHT..."

"Draco Malfoy and his shiny Nimbus 2001 collection, sported by all his lovely well-purchased team members...."

"JORDAN, IF YOU DON'T STOP RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

"Sorry Professor, my house loyalty got in my way." He apologized adroitly. He grinned cheekily. "Now, if we can have everyone stand, let's have it for the Wizarding National Anthem"

With a great deal of chaotic noise, all attendees stood, their right arm crossing their breast in a patriotic gesture that placed hand above heart. Then, and only then, did the greatest known tragedy of what it meant to be a wizard begin.

The slaughter of music was profound. Caterwauling in the extreme, and Jordan, despite his patriotic love of the game of Quidditch, his role of commentator and the wizarding world he lived in, had to shudder.

Fortunately, the murder of their beloved anthem ended quickly. "Right. Lovely folks... just lovely. Well, with all the preambles out of the way... let's play QUIDDITCH!"

Again, the crowds roared their approval. Lee glanced down to the locker doors that led out to the pitch and absently wondered what was happening in the Gryffindor lockers. Oh, to be a fly on those walls. Especially with all the extra compound eyes just to gaze wondrously at the team chasers. He sighed lustily, wincing when McGonagall glared at him.

A flurry of action hit the field as the Slytherin team burst from their locker room... their green and silver uniforms a sharp contrast to the blue sky and fluffy white clouds. "And... out first, the Slytherins... FLINT, WARRINGTON, MONTAGUE, BOLE, DERRICK, BLETCHLY and... MALFOY!"

The cheering was more for the game about to start than anything else. Now, the crowds gazed with avid fascination towards the area where the Gryffindor team would emerge. The tension was palpable, the hunger just delicious.

Glancing around, Lee spotted Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger sitting complacently in one of the best boxes of the stadium. They looked calm, very nonchalant and completely at ease with all that was happening around them. Well, if rumor was true, Ginny had seen up close and personal the most prized package the school had to offer. She could afford to be blasé. But, Hermione? Well, perhaps she did hanker for Ron more than Harry, contrary to the pool in the tower. He'd have to change his bet.

It couldn't have been more than seconds, but it felt like an eternity before the Gryffindor team burst from the sidelines... the sudden gasp of the crowd and then insane screaming spoke volumes for what was happening. Keeper Alex Mercado, took to his position in his maroon and gold uniform, the wild grin on his face infinitely more evil than any Slytherin was capable of.

"AND THE GRYFFINDOR TEAM.... WEASLEY, WEASLEY, BELL, JOHNSON, SPINNET, MERCADO and... POTTER!"

Blue blurs shot past the commentator's booth and Lee had to wipe his eyes and stare again just to be sure he saw what he thought he'd seen. The idiots had done it. They'd actually gone and dyed themselves with woad. "And for those people out there who are ogling the fine specimens of Gryffindor flesh, the blue-twits are the Weasley twins... I hope they realize that woad won't come out of their skin for another month or so."

The laughter was uproarious.

There was a bit of a murmur about the girls, skirting around in their robes with their hair down and faces glowing. Some token protests echoed in the crowds, and all it did was make the three chasers smile most bewitchingly.

Wisely, Lee held onto the desk firmly.

With a flick of their wrist, and in perfect time, the cloaks were tossed aside, drifting the ground like chiffon scarves on the wind. The girls sat cockily on their broomsticks in bras and little pleated skirts, with knee high boots gracing their long, long legs. "Oh dear." Lee mumbled.

McGonagall just muttered to herself, one hand braced over her eyes as she shook her head. Poor woman seemed in pain.

In a quick action, Katie, Alicia and Angelina lost one boot... the three black boots falling in almost a prearranged pattern to the ground as they whipped by the stands, giving the crowds quite the eyeful. The other boot nipped away seconds later, then the skirts, leaving only string bikini bottoms and bras.

"We should have done a pool on what male in the stadium wouldn't get a woody." Lee muttered to himself. "Damn..."

The bras vanished next and the roar in the stadium, a masculine sound of pure testosterone, was powerful. Then, the bikini bottoms and there was such a groan...

"Oh dear." Lee squeaked. "Err... well... seems all is in order by rules for this match." He didn't notice the break in his voice.

High above all the rigmarole sat Potter, shoulders back, his body poised proudly on display and looking like a virtual Adonis. If all the men in the stadium were gawking at the girls, then every female in the stadium was glued to Potter. Hell, just looking at the wizarding world's own adolescent hero, Lee had to admit that if it weren't for the fact that he was firmly heterosexual, he would have been tempted.

Interesting how Draco seemed to be sniffing about quite closely to Potter. "The teams are taking their positions, and it looks like the game is already in the bag for the Gryffindors. The Slytherin seeker can't seem to identify the difference between the golden snitch and Potter's..."

"JORDAN!" McGonagall's screech was beyond simply outraged.

"Err... " Jordan winced.

Madam Hooch fortunately took this opportunity to signal both teams from the centre of the field. Clearly, her voice amplified by charm, she opened the game in her usual style. "I want a nice fair game, all of you." She insisted, glaring fiercely at the captains (and co-captains) of both teams.

"The players assume position, in preparation for the release of the Quaffle." Lee was back to business. "Madam Hooch raises the whistle and... the Quaffle is released. Katie Bell, one of the best Chasers ever out of Gryffindor takes possession of the Quaffle, shifting her little arse a little for a bit of wiggle to distract the Slytherin Beater-boys most successfully."

"JORDAN!"

"Captain Marcus Flint cuts across to joust Bell for the Quaff... Spinnet to the rescue, and I bet Flint got an eyeful there. Katie passes back to Angelina and... look at those breasts bounce!"

"JORDAN!" McGonagall's voice reached upper octaves.

"Did I say that aloud? Oops. Johnson takes possession of the Quaffle, passes long back to Alicia and... Bletchly dives to intercept... SCORE! 10 points for Gryffindor! Slytherin takes possession. Chaser Montague ducks one Bludger and dives to evade Spinnet. Speeding toward the goals, his own teammates Bole and Derrick keep aiming Bludgers to keep Gryffindor chasers clear. Oh-ho... he shoots... Mercado dives and blocks the score. Ten-nothing, Gryffindor!"

"Johnson takes control of the Quaffle and... what the HELL?"

McGonagall leapt to her feet, mouth gaping but not in response to Jordan, rather at the sudden spectacle manifesting on the pitch. She disappeared in a flurry of robes.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have Death Eaters on the pitch." It took a moment of squinting, but Lee eventually managed to establish details of what was happening below. And, appropriately, refocused on his priorities. "The teams are continuing to play... Warrington has the Quaffle, swerves to evade Johnson and OUCH. Bell takes possession. Tosses to Spinnet who ducks under the Bludger with a brilliant dive. Comes right on Bole... who should have jigged instead of jagged. That Bludger to the ribs has got to smart."

It was at this point that the Death Eaters seemed to figure out what they were doing. Concurrently, Jordan noticed, the Moldiemort board above the pitch lit up with some new adverts for Potter's latest project.

"KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" A black-robed Death Eater jumped up and down hysterically. "I WANT POTTER DEAD."

Lee grinned. "Ladies and Gentlemen! What a rare treat! For those of you doubting the return You-Know-Who, please take note of the jumping-bean lunatic on the field."

Truly, for the Dark Lord, he was a pathetic sight. All pearly skin, his eyes slits and nose mere slits... the resemblance to something serpentine was profound. The foam at the corners of the mouth, though...

"Ah, I see Lucius Malfoy and Vincent Goyle Sr. are in attendance on their master." Lee chortled as Voldemort's histrionics resulted in removing the masks and hoods off his two followers.

"KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!"

A sudden flurry of activity above caught the attention of all in the stadium, including the Death Eaters. It was as if Harry Potter had deigned to give Voldemort a shot at his greatest wish. Swooping in a spectacular dive, and evading hexes tossed at him by the Death Eaters, he dropped straight for Voldemort's position.

"KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!"

"Potter's apparently lost his mind." Jordan leaned forward, puzzled. The game around them continued, with lively distraction on the part of the players as a result of Potter's sudden action. "And I..."

Harry was within a meter of the Dark Lord when his hand lifted off the broom and shot out towards Voldemort. All the spectators that could see Harry's face watched him speak a brief few words to the Dark Lord, and then in a sweeping pass, his hand nipped into Voldemort's hood and extracted quickly, the Golden Snitch in his grip.

"One Hundred and Fifty Points to Gryffindor! The cheek of Potter! His eye was firmly on the Snitch there, folks, and the game is concluded. One Hundred and Seventy points for Gryffindor the victors!" Lee paused. "Hot damn! That may be one of the shortest games in Quidditch History!"

---

Part Ten: "Your Daily Snitch"
by Rita Skeeter

Despite the forced forecast of sunny skies and mild temperatures about the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch, there was a definite storm of rampant hormones and burning excitement. Today, the now infamous "Naked Quidditch Match" or more commonly, the house game between Gryffindor and Slytherin, was played. Of course, contrary to initial speculation, only the Gryffindor house was in the buff, due to the gambling of co-Captains Fred and George Weasley.

"We didn't think we could lose, either way!" The blue-skinned duo chimed cheekily to this reporter, once they were properly robed after the game. "And, we didn't!"

The stands for today's game were packed beyond capacity. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was forced to cast reinforcing spells on the structures prior to the game, and did make a remark on how this was possibly a historic first for Hogwarts in terms of attendance.

In an understanding display of good showmanship and depraved hormones, the Slytherin team appeared from the lockers first, clad in their trademark green and silver uniforms. They made a quick sweep around the field, and then took their positions, like the rest of the fans, to hungrily watch for the Gryffindor team.

The team honored the terms of the bet and were dutifully unclad. For the most part. The three chasers for the Gryffindor team, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet and Katie Bell, appeared robed and did the most provocative and alluring strip-tease to be seen on the British Isles since Morgana Le Fay seduced Arthur Penvarion in full court. It had the males of the school (those not committed to ogling Harry Potter's significant assets) spellbound.

And, the pride and glory of the Gryffindor Team, their renowned Seeker, Harry Potter (a.k.a. the Boy who Lived) took to the field like a God. More than one student commented on his poise, his grace and his use of his god-given equipment. At age 17, Potter has most definitely earned his place in Witch Weekly as the Wizarding World's most desired bachelor.

In spite the bawdy conditions on today's game, and the few hiccups to interrupt the play (a minor Death Eater attack was circumvented. He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named had a small hysterical fit and tantrum in the middle of the stadium field), it was perhaps the most professionally played game this reporter has ever seen.

"Potter's accuracy at finding and securing a snitch is amazing. There's no place he won't fly to, no maneuver he won't make. He's tops on a broom!" praised Oliver Wood, a former alumnus of the school and Keeper for Puddlemere United. Once the Captain of the Gryffindor Team, Wood has once again teamed with Potter for the much-anticipated Naked Quidditch Calendar. Released just this morning, the Executive Presidentof Potter Enterprises Worldwide, Virginia Weasley, announced that sales were at 98%, and that another 25,000 units have been authorized for production to meet the burgeoning demand of the public.

"It's a smash!" Reported Ms. Weasley. "And, we're delighted to make such an amazing contribution to St. Mungo's Victims Unit. Already, we've committed 375 thousand Galleons to charity!"

The calendar, however, is just the forerunner to many good things coming from Potter Enterprises. Founded by Potter and Weasley, this business has shown in the few short weeks since incorporation to have the market in its grasp, and a keen sense of humor, wit and appeal. The Moldiemort Robes (tm) were the ONLY garments to be seen at the game. In all sorts of sizes, the shimmer stood clear and dominant. "They were designed to empower Witches and Wizards. To give us all a sense that what we fear can be and should be mocked. Fear is not something to run from, but to face, overcome and become stronger for doing so." Virginia Weasley informed us at the press meeting.

This sentiment was reinforced by Professor Dumbledore, a longstanding proponent for not backing down against the Dark Wizards of the world.

And indeed, with You-Know-Who jumping up and down and howling in a clear fit, it seems hard to be afraid of this clearly deformed and unstable man. The Ministry officials in attendance wasted no time in seizing Death Eaters Lucius Malfoy, Avery MacNair and Vincent Goyle, who were trying to pick up their fallen master and escape. As attacks go, it was a laughingstock. One which Potter made into a bigger humiliation by plucking the snitch out from Voldemort's robe-hood whilst a "verse" from the upcoming Mockeries of a Dark Lord flashed across the wiztronic above the commentator's booth.

It was one of the most dramatic and powerful games of Quidditch History, and also, one of the shortest. "Not even ten minutes." Bemoaned Fred Weasley. "We knew Harry wasn't happy about having his bits scattered across all the papers, but really!" Added his twin, George. "He could have held out for at least a half hour!"

Hogwarts, 2003
R. Skeeter
Photos by: A. Kinetic

C'est fini. Well, except for final editing

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Comments
shanrina From: shanrina Date: January 15th, 2007 01:29 am (UTC) (Link)
You rock. Thanks for not only archiving it, but posting it!
From: acc2 Date: January 15th, 2007 05:58 am (UTC) (Link)
hahahaha that was awesome. i read it all in one sitting.
fbartho From: fbartho Date: July 23rd, 2007 09:58 am (UTC) (Link)
dude! you linked this as containing part 10, but as far as I can see it doesn't have the full version!

http://jeconais.fanficauthors.net/This_Means_War/index.php

this way your archive could be complete!
fbartho From: fbartho Date: July 23rd, 2007 10:00 am (UTC) (Link)
then again through my own shoddy memory, I may be mixing 2 similar story styles but different stories...
fbartho From: fbartho Date: July 23rd, 2007 10:02 am (UTC) (Link)
doh!
From: (Anonymous) Date: March 25th, 2009 02:43 pm (UTC) (Link)

Josh

13 cm?? That's quite small for a guy from Northern Europe... The standard length for a guy age 17 in GB, Scandinavia and the rest of the Northern Europe is 15,8 cm
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