The steps I had to take:
1) installed Apache 2.0.59. I ended up using the binary found here: http://hunter.campbus.com/ instead of the binary distributed by the Apache group/foundation/people. Reason: putting in SSL caused crashes to occur.
2) Modified the registry so I can have an Apache 2.0 service and an Apache 2.2 service, both controlled by the useful Apache monitor (comes with the Apache-distributed copy of Apache 2.0). There's an awesome tool called the Registry Explorer, which lets you browse the windows registry as you would browse normal folders. And not only that, you can copy and paste/duplicate various keys, which regedit lacks. I just copied the Apache2 key that was installed by xampp, and modified it for my own use. The installer for 2.0 from the Apache group/people installed their own key, I believe, but the key names will clash with xampp's installation, and while xampp will finish the installation process, you won't be able to start up the correct apache with xampp's control panel.
3) installed SVN. http://subversion.tigris.org/servlets/ProjectDocumentList?folderID=91. Should be painless.
4) installed TortoiseSVN (Windows GUI - letting you do everything SVN related by right-clicking in explorer). Should also be painless. Requires a reboot, unfortunately.
5) set up Apache SSL according to the awesome help manual included with the TortoiseSVN installation. This guide was also helpful, although it did not cover SSL setup.
I've got me a HTTPS svn server! W00t. No, it's not open to the public, since it's for a project that I don't fully own.
*Note to others coming here to install apache(w/ssl)+svn on windows:
It may take you from 2 hours to 2 days. It took me 2 days to get everything figured out, including annoying limitations on stuff. If you don't run a different apache, and you know what you're doing, it shouldn't take more than 2 hours to get everything up and running properly.