Benjamin Juang (ibneko) wrote,
Benjamin Juang


Because this was just beautiful:
Dear God;

You know you're still a prick, right? It's bad enough that when you created the world and the people who have to live in it, you designed a faulty product. And seven days, that was a rush job. And even one of those you spent on your ass. There was no quality control, there was no testing before market, none of it. You just slapped a bunch of crap together in a hurry, shoved it out there and expected to be worshipped eternally for doing your job badly.
You could have made the human heart a little more durable - it breaks too easily.
You could have made cruelty a little harder to perform - people do it without even thinking.
You could have made eyes a little less clear - now everyone thinks looks are everything.
You could have made bravery a little easier - this world is full of cowards.
You could have made love worth the effort - people have to climb a mountain of hurt to get it.
You could have made childhood last longer - just when you realize what you like about it, it's over.
You could have made lies harder to tell - now they've infected every aspect of life.
You could have made hate harder to feel - the world has more hate now than water in the ocean.
You could have left pain out of the final product - seriously, there's FAR too much of it.
You could have done a better job.
You could have done your job.
You could try realizing that belief isn't cutting it anymore. Oh, sure, I believe in you. I believe you exist, in some form or another. I also hate you like a child hates an absent parent. Your devotees talk a lot about how much love you have and how you forgive all sins. Here's an idea, God. Why don't you take that giant forgive-us-our-sins doctrine, and point it at yourself for once? You forgive us? Great! I'm not sure I can return the favor just yet, Oh Lord, because wanking in the bathroom and coveting my neighbour's wife is babyshit compared to what you've gotten away with over eternity.

Your world sucks, Lord. It doesn't even have customer service, tech support or a complaints department. You owe a friend of mine a new heart, you owe my grandmother a better life, and you owe us all a better future. Or one day we'll all just realize the truth - that the Father of all Mankind is a deadbeat dad.
Ah, screw it. You're not worth the effort.

No love,

P.S. I live in Lucan. That's in Dublin, Ireland. I'll be outside my house helping my mother arrange a water feature for the garden and my uncle Pat work on the kitchen. If you'd like to fire some lightning bolts up my ass because you wanna be petty and small-minded in your omnipotence, I'll be there between the hours of seven and ten.

[ source | ]

Even better was the comment reply:
Oh, I know. It's just annoying that the human race and the universe they life in are clearly defective products and that it shows. If only he'd put the universe and mankind through beta-testing first, you know?

Archangel Gabriel: "Hey God, we found a few bugs and glitches in the system."
God: "Oh? Like what?"
Archangel Gabriel: "Well, for starters, all the human beings are completely nuts. They keep treating each other like shit, being completely stupid whenever they gather in groups, believe EVERYTHING is your will and-"
God: "Holy me! Are you sure?"
Archangel Gabriel: "Oh, it's not just people that are shoddy. Light itself is behaving as both a particle AND a wave, some of the stars have too much gravity and they're collapsing in on themselves causing holes that lead to fuck knows where, and the dinosaurs just went extinct!"
God: "Oh, bugger. And our service goes this Friday."
Archangel Gabriel: "God, with the way it's looking, we're not going to make the Friday deadline in time to have all these bugs sorted out. I got guys working around the clock, and even bringing in outside contracters like Buddha and Allah isn't helping much. They're insisting on having their own religions in exchange for all the work they're putting in because you fucked up."
God: "Urgh, this is my college graduation project all over again! AGH!"
Archangel Gabriel: "Oh yeah, the duck-billed platypus. Yeeesh. A mammal that lays eggs, what were you thinking?"
God "Look, it's fine! It'll all be okay! We'll release it on Friday, and if there's any problems after a while, I'll send a Jesus patch down there to fix it right up, no problem."
Archangel Gabriel: "*sigh* Right, fine. Oh yeah, Krishna wants to know where to put Atlantis."
God: "What?! Shit, I dunno, I'm too busy for details like that. Tell him to shove it under one of the poles, where we put all that damn ice Izanagi ordered too much of and we couldn't figure out what to do with."
Archangel Gabriel: "Uh-huh. What about the meaning of life, should we write that down on the side of a mountain somewhere?"
God: "Pfft! Don't bother! The human beings are smart, they'll figure out that it's cheese pretty quick."

...Could have happened.

[ source | ]
Tags: humour

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