As we all know, fairy tales are just really one fairy tale repeated over and over again. And they all follow one certain format, where the handsome hero comes along, rescues the poor, brainless princess and beats up the innocent dragon (or some similar evil) who just happened to be nearby. If you would let me, I would like to tell a different sort of story. One where the hero loses, the princess gets married to the local fox, and the dragon lives happily ever after. Well, then again, all dragons live forever, or close to that. So let’s make it a wicked witch. The one from the northeast, with a big ugly wart on her right elbow.
Anyways, the story begins, as usual, in some nice kingdom far, far away, deep in the land of Phish. Or ‘fish, for short. This kingdom was endowed with the normal king, king’s “best friend”, the “childbearer” (or the “queen”, if you will – that princess has to be born somehow, you know!), the nurse, the schoolteacher, the Fool, and last but not least, the princess. The castle the seven lived in was surrounded by a large wheat field which, for unexplained reasons, tended to float above the castle. In fact, anything outside the castle often flew upwards towards the field, as if sucked upwards by a large vacuum. People of the castle had to move around with hooks on the bottom of their shoes to prevent from flying upwards and hurting themselves.
The princess, named Isabella-Samuelson Furthwright Maschenell Wingsar, was born on midsummer’s eve and was as blond as the new-ripened wheat in the fields above the castle, and had deep eyes the color of the sky when the sun had set. Her skin was as smooth as the castle pond on a windless day and as white as the radiant sun itself. In fact, she was so radiant that often, the schoolteacher, who was in charge of her education, often ended the day badly sunburned, or skinburned, as they called it. She was a happy little girl growing up, having little, or no care for what went on around her, and as little girls go, she was extremely normal, except for the small fact that nothing could ever hurt her. Falling from the castle grounds into the fields some twelve Kings-lengths did nothing to her. The nurse, who had been shocked the first time it occurred, soon found this highly amusing and took to tying a string to the princess and bouncing her upwards towards the field and then pulling her back down. As for the princess, she just laughed and laughed and seemed to believe it was just yet another fun game. As for her education, despite the king’s (and the king’s “best friend” – we’ll call him Bob, for now – so and Bob’s) best efforts, the princess turned out to be as sadly empty-headed as all traditional princess in those days.
Everyone in the kingdom, all six people, tried their best to raise up the princess to be at least able to tell the difference between a flower (which they only had descriptions of) and a fish (which there were many, usually swimming around in the air during the night). The difficulty, however, lay in her inability to spell, which no one fully realized until the night before her sixteenth birthday, when she was asked to write her name in the big book of names before, as tradition stated, she had to leave the kingdom and seek out her future suitor. Bob, worried, wanted to send the Fool with her, but he forgot all about it after the king decided to go into denial about the poor princess and start teasing Bob with a feather. The queen and nurse, irate at the two immature young men, pulled Isabella-Samuelson Furthwright Maschenell Wingsar (Isabella, henceforth) aside and told her to at least try to remember three things. The first thing was that she had to travel first to the wicked witch of the southeast. She was to tell this witch that she was the lost princess of that nice kingdom, far far away, deep in the land ‘fish. They told her the witch would help her. The second thing was that she had to find a good looking, moderately intelligent prince. This prince was to guess her entire name correctly. The third thing that they asked her to remember was that she was a princess, something that tended to slip her mind when she got excited and confused.
The next day, the nurse and Fool helped the princess take off her hook-enhanced shoes and let her go. Normally, they would have traveled to the edge of the kingdom before removing the shoes, but since she seemed to be incapable of being harmed, they decided that they might as well save themselves the bother, since they didn’t expect to see her back anyways. She flew upwards, landed with a rather loud thump in the golden wheat fields the color of her hair, and looked up to waved down at the nurse and the Fool but they had already gone back into the castle. She shrugged and headed for the edge of the golden wheat field that marked the end of that nice kingdom, far far away, deep in the land ‘fish and the start of the next nice kingdom, far far away, deep in the land ‘fish.
- Word count: 903 / 50,000. We are 1.8% done -